And Yet, I Love

February 18, 2012

A Quest For Truth

Insecure… as a little girl.

I love mommy and daddy, I silently cry
As I shake and tremble throughout the night
Always praying they will hold me tight.

Naked images all around
Sex in my home is something foul
It makes a grown man big and proud
To use his women and throw them around.

Screaming and demeaning my whole life through
I begin to wonder if some of it’s true.
Now don’t you cry it’s not allowed
Women are weak and men are strong.

A big dark shadow looming about
Piercing red eyes and hatred, no doubt.
It is sad to think this man I call dad
Has so many demons it’s made him go mad.

Where is my mother? She will protect me
A natural instinct, but instead she forgets me.
She is suicidal so there is no rescue
But, I deal their drugs like a good girls supposed to.

Mom is manic and dad is psychotic -
He gets away with murder and torturous games
But, sends us to church
Every Sunday and Wednesday.

A fist full of anger and anything goes
Belts, boards or weapons I never know.
Women will submit to a man in control
Especially when he beats them, claiming he loves them so.

Insecure… as a teenage girl.

I love you Father, I will cry
As I shake and tremble throughout the night
I always pray He holds me tight.

Outwardly, I hate Him too
For how many men must I belong to?
It makes me a hypocrite, this I own up to
Deep inside I fear God’s love can never rescue.

I am just a puppet in this play called Life
“Please cut my strings!” I beg and cry each night.

What purpose is my role to be victimized so?
I’ve been on death’s door so many times, what for?

I am overwhelmed and numb inside
there is no fight left, I don’t want to survive.
Realistic are the nightmares, as I fight in my sleep
Screaming bloody rages of the things that I’ve seen.

Raging fists and knockout blows
Bondage, gangs or weapons I never know.
But, I’ve matured and we can add to this list
Molested, raped, sodomized and tortured
“What fine experiences you’ve had there miss!”

Women will submit to a man in control
Especially with a gun to their head or a knife at their throat.

Insecure… as a young woman.

I love you Father, I still cry
As I shake and tremble throughout the night
Always praying that He holds me tight.

My life I acknowledge because of a gift
A new born baby I am blessed with.
A reason for living and a miracle too
Being a mommy is what I’m meant to do.

A new cycle of life, time to break the chains
I’ll love her and hold her providing all I missed.
May she never tremble during the night
Or experience the hell I have known as life.
She is forever… my shining light.

Then my life is saved because of a gift
A crucifixion on a cross of a man named Jesus
I confess my sins and give up old ways
A new creature in Christ and I am baptized.

For many years I am strong and true
Although repeating circumstances I am used to.
In dating relationships men still abuse
But, valuable lessons I make them amount to.

Insecure… as a woman.

I love you Father, I openly cry
As I shake and tremble throughout the night
Praying and begging that He holds me tight.

Next I meet a man who seems white as snow
But, the best acting award I give him
(Same as my family even as they grow old)
Pretending to keep order while hell rules our home.

I marry this man and take his last name
For better or worse is what we proclaim.
My vows to God and to him on earth
I commit for life to be his best friend and wife.

The prostitutes and drugs hurt less than the lies
And the abuse that I go through, what a clever disguise.
“A woman must submit, it is God’s law”
So, back to my childhood nightmares and all.

With all his infidelities… our marriage should be annulled!
Paranoid schizophrenic just to name a few
Controlling and possessive shadowing my moves.
Physical, spiritual and emotional abuse
It isn’t enough to tie me up, he prods and cuts me too.

I am brought to my knees I think I have failed as a wife
So many tears I’ve shed God doesn’t count them twice.
He is my Creator and the only Word that I trust
I shall never lack in anything if I keep Him my focus.

An insecure husband and anything goes
Cults, bondage or weapons I never know.
Women will submit to a man in control
Even when he tries to kill them, claiming to love them so. 

Secure… as a mature woman.

I love you Father, I may still cry
l shake and tremble only a few nights
But, now I know He holds me tight.

The evil my eyes have seen
The abuse my body has endured
Has burned my soul and bled my heart
And I’m only 30 some years old.

I have been learning to surrender to God
I no longer blame Him for what’s been done.
When I asked Him, “how much do You love me?”
He stretched out His arms and He died for me.

His forgiveness and His grace I’m so grateful for
It’s true I don’t deserve it, but it’s what Jesus came for.
Too many times I have been on death’s door
So, now I thank Him for saving me once more.

Guilty am I of much anger and hate, I’ve had to let it dissipate
Forgiveness, grace and compassion never excuse a crime
(Nor is it for my perpetrators whom I used to despise)
But, it keeps my Spirit like Christ… loving and alive.

Safety and security are my biggest needs
To know Christ’s love and character so I can believe.
I have no regrets for they’ve made me who I am
Christ is my true purpose and the truth is how I live.

Secure… as a wise woman.

I love you Father, I exclaim
With tears of joy and unwavering faith.
I no longer tremble on any night
And I realize He’s always held me tight.

My assignments are complete, I get to go home
I pray I leave a legacy of Christ’s love… over flowed.
May lessons learned be remembered by those left behind
May my memory be a shining light to those of my kind.

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28 Comments on “And Yet, I Love”

  1. Doris Hayes Gibson Says:

    So beautiful, Jessie… We are related through the trials of life and I am so glad to “hear” your words of healing. I have been writing poetry about those painful years, too. Nothing like God’s whispers of poetry to mend those shattered pieces. Keep sharing. I am publishing my book after years of being afraid of hurting someone who caused my pain. We do need to “reach out” to others like us with our stories. God bless you greatly.

    A Friend in Christ
    Doris

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I really appreciate your comment Doris and its such a pleasure to meet another sister in Christ. Thank you so much for sharing and for your support and encouragement. Speaking up can be really difficult to do for many reasons. I too have struggled over the years at different times with thoughts of not wanting to share for fear of causing more pain, guilt, etc. But, I’ve come to realize that those fears are part of the power which perpetrators can have over us and they are thoughts from the enemy to try and stop us. God doesn’t want us to share our stories for those who hurt us, but we are to be light and a ray of hope for those who are being hurt just like us. I believe when our motives are pure (not vengeful, self seeking, etc.) it is how God can create blessings out of evil and what a miraculous demonstration of His love, grace and mercy it can be for anyone who who is a witness to the journey! I’m so proud of you for the courage and faith I know it takes to tell your story my friend. May He bless you richly as you press forward for the glory of His Kingdom. ❤ Hugs, Jessie

      Reply

  2. stepmomof3 Says:

    Oh my goodness, this just leaves me breathless. For me, who has endured some trial in my life, but also for my 13 year old stepdaughter, who has endured worse than me and does not know God and has no interest in knowing God. I’m scared for her. She thinks she is the *only* one to have such a “horrible” life. She really has gone through – and is still going through – so much more than any child ought to. I know you know what that is like. I just followed you on Twitter and I believe me coming upon this series of poems on Good Friday (when we all realize that Jesus died to FREE us from bondage) was no accident! I look forward to reading more of your work. I can tell I’ve just come across a vital resource of God’s love and teaching in this world! Bless you a thousand times!!!

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Oh Lisa, your words touch my heart and your cry for your stepdaughter captures my soul. It is so good to meet you, regardless of how we’ve come together! :) I received your email as well and will most certainly respond over the next couple of days. I am so honored by your words and moved by your trust and willingness to reach out ~ it is a spirit like yours that soothes the pain of one like mine, so I have no doubt you’re playing a very influential part in your stepdaughters life. More than anything, she needs to see HIS love and forgiveness in you, so focus on being that example, because she knows better than most how our actions speak louder than words. Never cease to lift her up in prayer before Him and I’ll keep you and your family in mine, and talk to you soon. Many blessings and Christ love, Jessie

      Reply

  3. Cherilyn Clough Says:

    Thank you for sharing! Your story touches my heart! I see you are a survivor and have used your pain to help others heal. You are amazing!

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Well… it is Him who lives in me that it truly amazing, but I really appreciate the compliment :) Thank you for visiting my site as well ~ it’s always wonderful to meet another sister in Christ and many blessings to you!

      Reply

  4. Francina Says:

    Dear Jessie, it takes a lot of courage to write about abuse and even more courage to share it with others. Your strength as surviver shows through your words.

    Francina

    Reply

  5. nightshade130 Says:

    Jessie, this poem broke my heart, A cycle of abuse that seems to never end and yet you find Hope in the Lord in spite of all you’ve been through. It is only God that has the victory in your story and I am blessed to know that you cling onto Him as the final word and Father in your life. May God repair, heal and restore all the lost years of this abuse with an abundance of Joy that is Divine, that is Your Strength. He is your shield, He is your fortress, He is God. My Prayers extend to you and your daughter and may God continue to Glorify you so that You can Glorify Him in this world that sees nothing but endless darkness. Your Light will shine among men/women and it will be that beacon of hope at the end of another persons tunnel. May God be with You. Blessings to you and *hugs*.

    Sherline.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Sherline ~ you humble me to tears my friend and I thank you for your prayers concerning us both. Many blessings and ♥¸¸.•*¨*•♥ warm hugs ♥•*¨*•.¸¸♥ to you as well :) xoxo

      Reply

  6. granbee Says:

    Jessie, I knew that you had gone through some of this, but I had no idea these abused patterns had occurred over and over like this! You are such a very brave young woman, so sweet and loving here with us in spite of the horrors you so vividly and poetically describe. I pray this posting will have given you some much needed relief and will spur a lot of healing and strengthening and comfort for you. Thanks Be to God for your support group. We love you out here in cybespace, you know. I pray you will read my guest author post at ChristianBlessings, dated 02/18/2012, entitled “Feed My Lambs”. I sense that you care for your precious daughter the way I was taught to care for young orphaned livestock, the way Jesus wants us to care for His Lambs. I believe you can received some comfort from that posting.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      You are such a blessing grandbee ~ thank you so much! I have had many years of healing and forgiveness my friend, but I must admit to tell my story is rather bittersweet. While it does provide some relief, it can also be a bit emotionally taxing sometimes to revisit these things. For the most part though, I like to think I can talk about them well enough to help others and it’s when I get the emails and people interacting who have been affected positively in some way that it really helps me, because it really does make it all worth it and gives it purpose. The purpose of pain really is for His glory and I couldn’t be more grateful that it’s all working together for the greater good now. I will certainly check out your posting as well. Hugs and blessings!

      Reply

  7. Steven Sawyer Says:

    This is absolutely wonderful! With all you’ve been through it’s a miracle of God that you can now write such telling, beautiful, candid poetry. What a blessing you can be to others who have experienced the tragedy of abuse. Thank you for sharing you life. Your life is a shining example and a tremendous testimony of God’s unconditional love for us. You also teach me that God will ALWAYS be there for us, regardless of our circumstances, what we’ve done, or where we’ve been. Thank you again, and God richly bless you.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      My dear friend, it is a blessing to know you Steven and you will always be a part of my heart and my life. I appreciate your kindness, support and love so much. I pray and hope only the best for you and your lovely wife. Please take care and hugs to you!

      Reply

  8. poeticjourney Says:

    You have been through so much, thank you for sharing! Beautiful writtien. Actually broke my heart to read it all! God Bless

    Reply

  9. The Bible Man Says:

    Wow Jessie! All I can say is “been there, done that, survived it and overcame it” I can FEEL your pain. The memories never go away, but the pain does in time. God bless and keep writing!

    Reply

  10. Derek Mansker Says:

    I read that and found it to be powerful– really sad and yet an amazing testimony of the work of God in the midst of horrific struggle. This is my first time here, but it would appear to me like you are making a difference in the lives of many. To God be the glory– He is the one who takes a broken mess and turns it into something beautiful.

    Reply

  11. lscotthoughts Says:

    Hi Jessie, the only part I “like” of this is your last poem…I am truly astounded at the terror and pain you have experienced and your remarkable resilience is an inspiration to us all. There are so many “little trials” many of us go through that seem “big” at the time and we’re not sure how endurance is going to come into play. Your trials are beyond comprehension and I am in awe of your faith in God. May He continue to heal you and provide strength for your role as a loving Mother and teacher of faith to your support group~You wrote all of these beautifully, love and hugs to you! xx

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      My sweet sister Lauren, thank you so much. I know these kinds of writings can be a tough read for some and my apologies for that part. I see so much good that has come from it all though and I don’t think I’m any different than anyone else. You are right, we all have trials and we all have pain… our paths may be different, but the way I see it, pain is pain and love is love. We are all a family and we are one body. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the support and encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ and each of you inspire and edify me as well in different ways. I love your heart Lauren and many warm hugs to you as well :) xoxo

      Reply

      • lscotthoughts Says:

        Jessie, please don’t apologize; i didn’t mean for you to…I know you’ve helped so many with your beautiful, heartfelt and faithful writing, I just feel for you in what you have endured…but, you are inspiring, so for that, we are blessed to follow your journey~hugs again~xx

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          No worries Lauren ~ it’s all very, very good :) This wouldn’t be a journey worth traveling if it weren’t for you and others I’ve met along the way. And yes, hugs again ~ I’ll take all I can get! :)

          Reply

  12. Linda Willows Says:

    thank you for sharing these. All so beautifully written, it even seems clear that a Holiness presided and stood with you when you were young and burst through your heart and soul in full Consecration as a mature woman. These poems of “Passage” help each to see the depth of life’s journey and learn to connect the trauma of the past with healing in God’s Love and Grace in this moment. Thank you Jessie, you are an inspiration! Love, Linda

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you for such sweet words Linda. The inner “journey” is exactly what I hoping to portray. And yes, there was something deep inside of me even as a child and regardless of what I lived in, that just KNEW there had to be something more. I NEEDED to believe in something more just to survive and for that, I have always been grateful. The perspective I had growing up was that I never doubted for a second that evil exists therefore, something just as strong or even stronger must exist on the good side then too. So, I have spent all my days seeking that which is good :) I appreciate the goodness in you Linda and hope you have a blessed weekend my friend. Love, Jessie

      Reply

  13. HisChild2 (RVinggirl) Says:

    Once again you have totally blown me away with your pain, terrible years of abuse…but which you have left at the foot of the throne of Jesus Christ!
    “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life”
    This is a shining example of why Jesus bore our sins and pain on the cross!
    Thank you Lord for healing; thank you Lord for Jessie!

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      My Dearest Helen,

      Your love and encouragement touch me so much and I’m am very grateful for our connection. You are a blessing my friend and I have had you in my prayers. Thank you for all you’ve said here.

      Also, thank you for sharing about me on your site again too. It means everything to me whenever someone shares they’ve been inspired or touched in some way by something I’ve written – it really makes it all seem worth it and gives the pain some purpose.

      Big hugs to you my sister!
      Love, Jessie

      Reply

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