Application To Date My Daughter

May 8, 2012

Inspiration

APPLICATION
FOR
PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, JOB HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH______________________________
HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT__________________
IQ__________  GPA__________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY #__________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #__________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_________________
HOME ADDRESS_____________________________
CITY/STATE___________  ZIP___________________

Do you have parents?  ___Yes  __No
Number of years they have been married_____________

If less than your age, explain_____________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A.  Do you own or have access to a van?  __Yes   __No
B.  A motorcycle?  __Yes   __No
C.  A waterbed?  __Yes  __No
D.  A pickup with a mattress in the back?  __Yes  __No
E.  Is your body a willing canvas for tattoo artists?  __Yes  __No
F.  Do you have more piercings than my little girl?  __Yes  __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
__________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
__________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
__________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend____________________
How often you attend__________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? ______________
Mother? _____________
Pastor? ______________

SHORT ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A.  If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
__________________________________________________________
B.  If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________________
C.  A woman’s place is in the:
__________________________________________________________
D.  The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________________
E.  What do you want to do IF you grow up?
__________________________________________________________
F.  When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________________
G.  What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
__________________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name!)
_________________________           ___________________________
Mother’s Signature                                              Father’s Signature
_________________________           ___________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                                              State Representative/Congressman

In the boxes below, please provide Finger Prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling:


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, should you, by some ice cube’s chance in HELL, be even remotely considered, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating, which is attached to this Application.

Daddy’s Rules for Dating

Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you’re a guy)

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
•  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
•  Places where there is darkness.
•  Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
•  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.
•  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
•  Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Personal Note :  While I am not the author of this application – I am the enforcer. You may find copies of this application hanging on our front door – before you knock to inquire about my princess, I suggest you take one home and spend a considerable amount of time in prayer over it before ever attempting to return to my castle. Please read rules 4 and 9 before bed each night and have sweet dreams. Thank you.

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17 Comments on “Application To Date My Daughter”

  1. granbee Says:

    I share this on my Facebook timeline as an appropriate lead up to Mother’s Day! There are very help ideas encapsulated in the genuinely funny items. And haven’t you ever seen a father of an about-to-be dating age daughter get like this when he himself was a total Lothario in his own youth. And you can hear him say,” That is exactly why I know I need to protect my own daughter!”

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      So true, so true! That’s why its so important for fathers and male role models to speak up to our young ladies. As a single parent this subject is so close to my heart, because I realize and often worry that I can’t have the same impact of understanding on my own daughter as a male figure could on issues like this. So, I am extremely grateful for those godly men who take a genuine interest in leading and teaching her.

      Reply

  2. Anthony Baker Says:

    Reblogged this on The Recovering Legalist and commented:
    As a father, I totally loved this post from Jessie Jeanine. If only more parents would take dating this seriously.

    Reply

  3. Anthony Baker Says:

    I am SOOO going to repost this! Beautiful!

    Reply

  4. texasjq2 Says:

    I knew a mom like that once. If you didn’t pass her test, you didn’t date her daughter. I liked that lady, she loved her God, her family and if you were accepted, you could come and go and she would always treat you with respect.

    Reply

  5. Ayanna Nahmias Says:

    This is so funny, but totally in a serious way. Wow, would have been nice if this application had been given to some of the individuals who I chose to ‘date.’ Would have saved me a lot a pain as I adventured into emotional landscapes I’d rather not have explored. Thanks for developing (?) and sharing this. ~ Ayanna Nahmias

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Hi Ayanna! I SO wish I were the creator of this, because I think its brilliant. I’m happy it was shared with me though, so I could share it with everyone else. And I wish I would have been taught some of these concepts as well growing up, because you’re right, it could have saved a lot of pain!

      Reply

  6. Linda Willows Says:

    this is the best “filter” for a date that I have ever seen!!! wonderful! (I had sons)

    Reply

  7. Francina Says:

    . oh my.. :-)
    hugs, Francina

    Reply

  8. Richard L Rice Says:

    After reading this, I really wish I had a daughter!

    Reply

  9. Wendell A. Brown AKA The Brown One Poet Says:

    I love it Jessie i am going to print it and show Ms 17, my daughter! This is surely great, thanks for sharing!

    Reply

  10. withloveweovercome Says:

    Haha, this is brilliant :)

    Reply

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