I think too much on what other people would like to see from me
instead of focusing on what I have to offer.
Have you ever done that?
In general I am a people pleaser and sometimes people pleasers can become chasers of other people. Instead of embracing my independence at times, I might seek out the next person I know I can please. I might know what to do to make you happy, but ask me what to do to make myself happy and I am a little lost.
What Makes You Happy, Makes Me Happy
Some of this is OK to a certain degree (we should be willing to compromise) because what makes you happy, really does make me happy! But, it can become unhealthy too and affect all areas of one’s life if we’re not careful to find a balance. I realize it even affects my blogging and writing, so I am trying to get through that.
I feel like I am fighting desperately to learn how to be my own person now instead of having to play some damn role for the Feds, CIA or Da’s, but it is difficult. On a really bad day it becomes easy to feel more like a prisoner or lost soul than anything else. After all, it’s been my job, my identity (no irony there!) and what I’m good at.
An Unhealthy Focus
An unhealthy example of how I let others opinions affect my writing too much is I will write about what I think you want and then be consumed with the shares, views and comments. Versus, just trying to relax and write from my heart every day about my experiences and the things I’m good at and most passionate about. Another words, I still worry too much about trying to control the outcome of all of this!
Let go and let God…
A Blessing or A Curse?
I am trying to embrace the freedom of this new chapter in life without someone telling me what to do or who I have to be, but it is more challenging than I thought. Perhaps I need to let go of all that too though – maybe it will only be then that I can view this transition as more of a blessing. I’ve heard about law enforcement and service members going through this although, I’m sure it doesn’t just pertain to those fields.
Then the questions become…
How do I let go of who I was when it is directly related to who I am now?
How do you let go of the past, yet still tell your story?
Don’t They Have a Support Group for This?
I am sure this internal need for acceptance has only been empowered by past abuse, but it also comes from years of needing to blend into some very challenging situations as an undercover operative. However (regarding it as a personal struggle) I believe the correct terminology would be co-dependence, but because I’m still in denial, we won’t use that word. That being said, it is also what’s helped me do all that I have successfully done.
Your Focus or Mine?
Here are some of the problems we can create though when we worry more about doing what others would like, instead of doing what we would like… We become good at many things, but never excellent at any one thing; we become lost to ourselves never knowing or finding out who we really are as individuals; and I’m quite certain there are other issues which arise when our focus is seemingly all over the place, so I’ll let you know, as the struggle to process all of this continues. I couldn’t do it without everyone’s help, wisdom, guidance, advice and support though so thank you.
All of it makes me want to shout to the world and embed within my daughter’s being:
Never give up your dreams for someone else,
learn to follow your heart, and above all else…
- Best Ways to Turn Money Into Happiness (community.ally.com)