So, for the first time in months since we left NC, I have been home alone. My daughter has been visiting with friends again and catching up on old times. Even though I miss her, it’s nice to have our own down time as well.
The first couple of days were a lot of fun. I can’t believe how much I accomplished and have gotten caught up on so far. To be able to do whatever I like and in my own time has been such a blessing and a much-needed break.
Then came the tears… I finally broke down for a couple of hours yesterday. I realized it’s the first time I have been alone since everything happened in Hawaii (which felt like it happened basically on top of the CA experience!) But, it’s the first time I have been alone and the most relaxed I have been in months.
I suppose as a mom (especially as a single parent) I try very hard not to let my daughter see me cry. I always want her to see me as being strong, competent and able to handle anything that comes our way for the simple fact that I don’t ever want her to feel afraid or worry about the same kinds of stuff I have. I’ve also felt a need to show her by my actions that not everyone is like the unreliable and dishonest people of her past either.
However, the truth is that I know it’s just as important for her to see me be able to be vulnerable and on my knees in prayer, too.
Anyways, I didn’t realize I’ve been going through the stages. First, there was just shock and unbelief I guess. Then I kept bargaining or hoping that if I can at least vacation regularly, etc. Most recently has been the anger, resentment and bitterness. Now there are tears, sadness and grief. Next (hopefully) will be acceptance, contentment and peace. Granted, I may be going through some of it in circles or a bit backwards, but it’s all good.
Come to think of it… perhaps my going to Hawaii after what happened in California was my “bargaining” stage, which needed to happen for me to get to the “acceptance” stage. And stages of what – of trying to live like a normal citizen by not going undercover anymore? Hmmm…
Doesn’t matter I don’t think. The important part is climbing out of this hole and over the wall I seemed to have built for myself again. The good thing about being down however, is the realization that the only way left to go is up!