The “F” Word is Beautiful

May 1, 2014

Articles

 

blog post mother baby fight faith fly

The “F” Word is Beautiful!

You can fear to live and die by flight, 
never forget but forget to live;
fight for life or fight for death

be freedom found or forever bound…
For faith that’s blind will learn to fly.

Here we go again my friends… stepping into the unknown. It requires just as much faith in myself as it does in God which, makes it for an interesting part of the journey. Can I finally let go and let God? Will I finally learn to trust Him more than myself?

It is one thing to feel tested in just couple areas of your life at a time, but I think it is a completely different story when your “entirety” is being tested all at once. What do you think?

Life has been a great balancing act so far. As I am sure holds true for many of us… I have either been challenged by circumstances, but felt very grounded in who I am as a person OR the times I’ve struggled with growing as a person, I have been very grounded in my circumstances. For the most part, it seems like it’s been one or the other.

Now though, for the first time in my life that balance seems to be gone. I am nearly 40 and I feel 100% challenged not only in my circumstances, but in who I am as a woman… all at the same time!

Where do we settle down?
What profession do I focus on?
What types of things do I like and what is a waste of time?
What brings me true happiness and joy?
Why haven’t I finished writing my damn book yet?

What about personal relationships?
Who am I as an individual and as a woman?
What role do I have as a mom now (she turns 18 soon!)
Etc, Etc, Etc…

I went from being severely abused, manipulated and controlled as a child, to experiencing the same in much of my adult life, to being told who and what I had to be while working undercover for the last decade, to where I’m at and who I am right now. So, this is probably the first time in my life that I have ever truly been free… free to discover who I really am and what I really want or like.

Half of me is screaming, “HALLELUJAH!”
while the other half is screaming, “OMG!” 

After a life of service and never paying attention to my own needs, after always doing what was best for everyone else while never thinking twice about myself… is this a normal phase? Or am I just being totally selfish now? I know there’s a balance to find – I’ve just never had it!

WARNING:
Follow this writer at your own risk.
Exposure to an online break-down may occur at any time!

OK, so even I have to laugh at my own dramatics and insecurities. This is just so unlike me and to be honest, I’m kind of driving myself nuts, lol! Seriously though, I know I’ll figure it out and be just fine… if I can just get out of God’s way! At any rate, these are some ramblings about why I find beauty in any of the  “F” words I penned in the poem :) HUGS!

 

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5 Comments on “The “F” Word is Beautiful”

  1. Carol Balawyder Says:

    Wonderful questionings. You only find answers if you question…

    Reply

  2. Writing to Freedom Says:

    I hope you find solace Jessie. Welcome to my world of not knowing and I don’t have dramatic reason like you seem to. The answers haven’t come easily or often for me. The only thing I’ve learned is they can’t be forced. Blessings to you,

    Reply

  3. asd539 Says:

    Is that your poetry? That’s awesome!! It’s never selfish to want to know who you are and what makes you happy and content. Let me use the T word, trust. Don’t just trust yourself, trust God and know He is making you into an incredible person. Love your writing, can’t wait for your damn book to be finished and published. Keep up the awesome writing.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thanks so much for the smile David and the encouragement! Yes, its my poetry – all of the stories and poems on this site are written by ‘yours truly’ unless otherwise noted :)

      Reply

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