Dreams Die

September 1, 2013


Do you believe some dreams are meant to die? Until this past year, I never believed they did. I have always advocated others to ‘believe in’ and ‘achieve’ their dreams by way of personal example and perseverance. To have unwavering faith. To not allow any man or experience rob you of your beliefs or destroy that of which you know to be true in your soul…

That being said, I haven’t allowed myself to indulge in too many dreams during my 39 years. I’m sure we could pick it apart in therapy and find a dozen reasons why! Although, there have been a couple which I’ve dared to allow at different times. Some are more materialistic like traveling the world and sitting on the beach in Hawaii to write a book. Yes, it is cliché, but never the less a part of mine.

Then there are other kinds of dreams – the kind I’ve had since childhood – the kind that have to do with morals, values, relationships and our experiences as mere human beings. Dreams like… there must be something better out there than what I have experienced. Dreams of belonging and being accepted into a big, loving family. The most special of all my dreams though were of being a mother and a wife.

Well… I couldn’t have been anymore blessed by the gift of being a mom to the greatest kid I have ever known! She’s almost grown and I can only pray that I’ve given her the love and foundation she needs to be and do more than I ever could in this life, to be happy and fulfilled, to find God and let Him into her heart. She has been such a great kid and despite the normal struggles of teenage years, she been so easy to raise and has always been a joy to have. I couldn’t be more proud as a mom for the young woman she is growing up to be. I believe her birth saved my life and she has been my reason for being here – I was meant to be her mom. As for being a wife… unfortunately, that dream became my worst nightmare!

So… maybe some of us aren’t meant to be happy, live our dreams or know anything different. Maybe… just maybe some of us aren’t meant to know what ‘good’ is until we reach our final destination. What purpose then is our life? What is the meaning or reason for all the pain and suffering we might endure if it doesn’t turn out good in the end for us here? Perhaps the only ‘reason’ or ‘meaning’ is strictly for the benefit of others. So if nothing good comes of my life… yet, your knowing of my struggles helps you in some way – well, then it’s all been worth it. Is that how it really goes? Is that really what it’s all about? 

Back to dreams – there’s the last kind of dream. The kind that supersedes anything we will ever know on this earth. The dream of finally going home to be with our Father in heaven. That has been my souls greatest desire ever since I can remember – long before I actually came to Christ even.

Mid-Life Crisis

So to be honest, I’m not in a good place. I don’t want to blog, because I don’t want others to know. I’m not handling things well and have reached my limit in every way possible. You hear all the time about men going through a mid life crisis when they’re in their mid 40’s… how about women in their 30’s?

There is a huge transition that’s been taking place in my life since I began this blog – the whole reason for its creation. It was supposed to be the foundation for telling my story and writing a book. It was an attempt to live a normal civilian life. Trying to make the transition has been hell though. I’ve been a mess these past few months and quite frankly… don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m questioning everything and have lost hope.

What’s The Big Secret?

Shhh... it's a secret! My story was about being born into abuse, drugs and perversion. It was about being removed from my home when I was 12 in order to protect me from my own family and having to put them in jail. It was about being kidnapped, tortured and surviving multiple rapes over the years. It was about marrying a man with different identities who’d been under investigation for years and the relationships which subsequently followed. The core of the story though was about being recruited to work undercover with the FBI and DA’s for the last decade, spanning coast to coast, while being involved in several different cases all across the country. It was about US Marshals, being trained by Green Berets, the good and bad of our justice system, and the abuse I survived prior to (and even while) being undercover. It was about becoming a voice for the victims and the existence and needs of underground programs which help them when the FBI witness protection program isn’t even enough. Mostly, it was about finding Christ in the midst of it all and never losing hope or faith. It was a story about survival.

And while I’ve wondered if the cost has (at times) been too high, it was those same experiences and way of life (which I chose) that were the very reason for my increased faith and trust in God. So, it was supposed to be a story about a faith and trust that I have always thought to be the un-forseen treasures in life… the priceless ones that could never be measured.

But… I can’t say that anymore.

I am too tired. So many people have encouraged me to tell this story, because what matters they say is the faith and love I still have through it all. But, if I don’t have that anymore… then I don’t have a story. I can’t tell His story if I fail to see it through or make it to the end…

I’ve not written anything quite like this since I was a teenager… regardless of what I’ve been through, I’ve not felt just empty and beaten like this. In fact, I had learned long ago how to let any hardships and challenges propel me forward instead – deepening and strengthening my hope, faith and love. The harder Satan would push, the closer to Christ I got. That just isn’t the case anymore and I don’t know what’s happened. I’ve reached my limit. In an effort not to go undercover anymore and close a huge chapter in life, it seems I have lost even more.

Dreams That Die

(THIS IS PART OF A POST I’D WRITTEN UPON OUR ARRIVAL TO THE ISLANDS A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT I NEVER PUBLISHED.) “After traveling the country side several times over, being relocated to more states than I ever thought to visit, moving from California to spend this summer in Florida and North Carolina, I have finally reached the final destination of this chapter in life. It has been a very long and awaited haul, but we recently completed the last piece of our journey to settle on the beautiful islands of Hawaii.”

Sounds good, right? However, things are not as they seem. We’ve spent a few weeks on Oahu and a couple on Maui. It’s a gorgeous place to visit, but perhaps not the best place for a couple of girls to move to when they’re alone.

It begs me to wonder then, what is the dream really all about? I need to remember the reason for the story and trust God can continue to use it even when I screw things up. I’ve avoided blogging so freely, because i didn’t want this to take on the feeling of a ‘journal’ but regardless of those efforts, it seems to continue to push that way no matter what. So… here we are.

I guess instead of worrying so much about a professional appearance or what others will think, I just need to write. Maybe that’s the point of all this… of being so broken. I have continued to try and control all of this way too much instead of really trusting and letting go to see what God will do with it.

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32 Comments on “Dreams Die”

  1. spiritministries Says:

    Blessings Jessie,

    You are correct, I didn’t, just seen that you looked at my blog so I wanted to say hello. I have now, wow! Continue to trust girl, the right man will come along, I can feel your pain in this, I have been waiting for 13 years approximately for the right woman. It’s rough, but will be worth it. If you would like to talk about anything I am here for you. God bless.


  2. Cherilyn Clough Says:

    Hi Jessie,
    I have enjoyed reading your blog and I am glad to see you post–it’s like meeting an old friend at the Post Office unexpectedly when you thought she left town.

    I understand. I too, have undergone traumatic things and even as I had a dream to tell my story, the devil knocked me flat on my back due to no support from my dysfunctional family and feelings I could never belong in a “normal world.” I am still in process and I will be fifty this week!

    Maya Angleou says, “A woman must reinvent herself daily.” So I am not sure if dreams die or we reinvent them. Your story is unique and worth writing but maybe it is still in process! You have an interesting life story so far but it’s not over yet.

    I think some of us enjoy hearing what you do even if it is like a journal. It is like letters to your friends letting us know you are okay and what you are currently struggling with. We then can pray and encourage you. So please consider that you can only affect others if you write and God has given you a gift of writing and poetry.

    I am praying for you to have a good week!


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I love that… “A woman must reinvent herself daily.” It certainly offers a different perspective, than thinking of ones dreams as dying, which I can especially appreciate right now.

      “please consider that you can only affect others if you write” – This brings me to tears and simply says it all my friend… thank you SO much!

      I’m very grateful for your encouraging and supportive words… they bring some comfort and relief during a time when it’s much needed. ♥


  3. spiritministries Says:

    Blessings Jessie,

    Hello and how are you doing Jess, haven’t heard from you in quite some time. Hope all is well with you and yours. Many blessings to you.


  4. Brian Says:

    Sending up a prayer for you, friend. Your courage to post this is inspiring to me. I’m glad you did. I had my mid-life crisis at 30 btw, and felt like it was all over for me. I’m not saying my life is perfect now but He has given me peace and that’s gotten me through so much since then. So I pray that His peace will rain down on you and comfort you. I pray that you’ll never stop dreaming, never stop believing, and never give up on whatever it is you’d like to accomplish in this life. I do believe the next life is going to be so much better than anything we can ever imagine in this one, but I pray good things will start coming your way, in His time. Jeremiah 29:11 is a favorite verse of mine. You probably know it but thought I’d share anyway. May God bless you in everything.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      So good to see you again Brian :) Thank you for the encouragement about posting this – it took me hours to hit the “publish” button – lol! I hope you’ve been well and I’m grateful for the prayers my friend. Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.


  5. janahagan Says:

    The first thought that comes to my mind is I want to give you a big hug and let you cry. There have been times where I picture myself crawling up into Christ’s lap and just sobbing and Him holding me. One of my very favorite stories in the Bible is one so often overlooked or underplayed. Growing up I heard over & over about the shortest verse in the Bible “Jesus Wept” John 11:35.
    Jesus had gone to be with Mary & Martha after Lazarus had died and he wept with them. Although the word wept in this case in it’s original language was more like sobbed, moaned & groaned. He hurt with them. He felt their pain. What is so beautiful about this to me is that Jesus KNEW that Lazarus would not stay dead, that He would raise Lazarus. And instead of saying to them “Why are you crying, Lazarus is not going to stay dead. He will rise again.” HE CRIED, SOBBED, MOANED, GROANED WITH THEM. He felt every bit of pain and sorrow that they were feeling.
    AS HE DOES WITH YOU. Yes, the all caps are on purpose. I am yelling, I am shouting it! For myself too. For all of us to remember.
    I started my own blog about this time last year, to tell my story. If I keep it to myself then how does it bring HIm glory about what He has done in my life. Yes, it has not been easy. Has caused some pain along the way with family. I have no idea where it is taking me.
    I am so sorry you are in such pain, but thankful for you as well. Please do not give up, your dreams are not dead. We love you.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      If I could have anything right now, it’d be what you’ve described… to just curl up into His lap, be held and led the tears fall. I don’t allow that happen enough – I’ve always had to be so strong. Your words broke through all that as I read them this morning so thank you. You also reminded me of a poem I wrote called, “If Jesus Spoke To Me.” I went back to read it – it’s amazing how easily we can lose sight of things in the midst of a storm.

      I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through as well my friend and will check out your blog. I appreciate your heart and find comfort in your words. You hang in there too and much Christian love!


  6. theredeemerlives Says:

    How much you’ve been through in your life! I relate with you on the whole blogging thing because I often use mine as a place to vent instead of writing clean-cut, insightful pieces. I vent sometimes because I feel alone and like the Devil is winning, but I know he isn’t deep down :D

    One thought to share with you, because I lived in Hawaii once (the Big Island) when I was eight and my family moved back to California the next year! It was boring for us long term, but I admit very nice to visit. Of course, it was a very different situation with us, and it might suit you very well to relax there after all your busyness, just thought I’d warn you about the slow pace of living there. Best of luck to you!


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Yes, Hawaii is very beautiful and relaxing if you’re here just visiting, but it’s another world if you’re trying to become a permanent resident it seems. I will love to vacation here again in the future, but in my opinion, it’s not the place to stay long term for many different reasons. I guess I had to give it a try though, being it was part of the dream and all. Thanks for the encouragement as well and take care!


  7. lbunce Says:

    Jessie, sometimes our dreams are not what God has planned for us. He has better! In fact its something better than what we could ever imagine! Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses to stand on when I’m having a rough time. We just have to let go of OUR way & do it HIS way. He has bigger & better dreams for us if we’ll take our self out of the equation, put our Faith in Him, & trust Him! I’ve never experienced anything remotely close to what you have but I’ve had my share of struggles. I had big dreams of a certain type of life with a certain amount of children by a certain age etc. etc. etc. but my way wasn’t His way. I ended up struggling with infertility for 12 years and then God gave us a beautiful miracle boy. Then we began having new “certain” dreams but God changed it on us again 2 years later when our son was diagnosed with Autism. Now having traveled down the road a ways, we can’t imagine it any other way. Now I’ve been able to use our experiences to minister to others who are hurting & scared. Trusting God is not easy but its always worth it!! Hang in there! Trust God! Stand on the promises of His Word!! Its going to be alright!! God bless!!


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      God will never allow more to be bestowed upon us than what we can handle. That’s what comes to mind as I read your letter of hope and encouragement here. Thank you so much for sharing it! It does my heart good to hear right now :) Sometimes I listen to other peoples stories and think about how I could never live through something like that and yet, I know people can listen to mine and think the same thing. We are each equipped with different gifts, talents, strengths and weaknesses – it really is amazing once we began to share our experiences. God Bless!


  8. billgncs Says:

    I think your story is important to tell. I hope you do.



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