Crashing In Paradise!

September 2, 2013


What an irony… one of the lowest points of my life has been living in paradise.
The question still presses for an answer from deep within wondering,
“What is the dream really about then?”

Crashing in Paradise

Part of my dream has always been to write a book from somewhere that inspires me. You know what they say, “Location! Location! Location!” That means something to me because I am such an outdoors person. I really don’t feel at home unless I’m surrounded by all the beauty God created outside. I’ve lived all over this country so naturally thought, “why not Hawaii?” I really enjoy other cultures and kind of thought it’d be the closest thing to leaving the country for now. Also, my decision had a lot to do with weather and how my physical disabilities are affected.

Another part of the dream is to tell my story. Actually… HIS story and I’ve really felt pressed to do this the past couple of years. I just know somehow that ‘it is time’ and the peace I have in that part has never wavered. However, I envisioned it happening much different than how it’s turning out. Becoming transparent about any current struggles I’ve had during this time period has NOT been in my plan. I have tried very hard to ‘keep up the appearance’ I suppose. As trials have come, I’ve done my best not to blog about them in the moment, to have faith that they will pass, then I could just add them to the story later. You know… after I had it all tied up in a pretty little package with a neat bow to secure everything in its place.

“Somehow, I don’t think MY blueprint for all of this looks anything like HIS blueprint does.”

Blueprints for Life

The Flesh Or The Spirit

I’m beginning to think I’ve not taken the approach I should have. My ‘flesh’ has wanted to present things in a certain way to make sure society will accept and approve of them. My mind has been full of thoughts like, “But, how can I continue to help people if my own life seems all messed up again? Isn’t teaching supposed to be about the lesson learned AFTER the trial? Who will listen to me now?”

My lack of blogging at times has been for reasons concerning our safety, yes. But even more so is that I don’t want people to know how I continue to struggle. I feel like I should have it “all together” by now. Or… that if I struggle it must mean I don’t have it together yet or I haven’t learned enough to be useful to anyone else. If I waver it might mean that I’m not a strong enough believer or good enough Christian. If my roots were deep enough and strong enough, I’d never waiver that much again (understanding I come from a very strict, religious background which was very condemning!)

From the onset I have felt like I was supposed to do the exact opposite of what I’ve done. My gut instincts have told me I should be posting still during the trials and if it becomes more like a journal (verses a blog with only neat and tidy articles) then so be it! At least in journaling there is complete freedom it seems – an ability to share things you might not otherwise, because they didn’t ‘fit’ into an article just right. I’ve not shared too many things for that exact reason. I can freelance write nonstop and the poetry comes just about as easily, but it takes so much more when I try to develop an article instead. That just isn’t where my gifts naturally lay. I think I have been hindering myself this entire time and trying to keep too much control of how this all turns out. I realize I have not ‘freely given’ or ‘let go’ yet and have instead been standing in God’s way.

Like It Or Not

Struggles are a part of the journey. By not trusting or letting it all go, there is so much I realize I’ve been holding back. In essence, I’ve held back the ‘journey’ itself by trying only to present the final story and it’s outcome. And I’m sure you’re already thinking how it’s all about the journey and not the outcome that matters most, right? I know… It’s something I learned a long time ago, but didn’t realized that I wasn’t sharing it here. Not until I finally crashed.


When I speak of crashing it means hitting my lowest point. A place I haven’t been since I was a teenager. And quite honestly I know some of those feelings and thoughts have been due to some prescription meds I’ve been taking for sleep. Once I finally realized all the adverse reactions I’ve been suffering, I’ve gotten myself off them, but the withdraw has been horrendous and has compounded everything. I don’t usually take anything at all so maybe it’s happened like it did in order to help me write this last post and finally get out of God’s way (trying to find the good in any of it!)

This Is Where I’m At

As I take a different approach to writing now, I pray it blesses or edifies you in some way. May there be value and lessons learned (for both of us) in all that I share. After all…

It’s a part of who I am – It’s where I am at.

One might say I’m finally listening to what God’s been leading me to do. I just don’t like it much right now, because I feel even more vulnerable and it’s just not how “I” imagined it happening (lol – I know!)

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22 Comments on “Crashing In Paradise!”

  1. secretangel Says:

    Hi Jessie…I totally understand your feelings as you write your story. It is very hard as we relive the traumas of our past to put them down on paper. The wounds of our past are very deep, hidden where only God can see them. As we pour our heart out on paper, these wounds reopen, but it is then that God can heal them. Trust the Lord and follow His lead. He co-authored my book, giving me the words to say, and He will do the same for you. What you have suffered is horrific… but remember that God uses everything that we go through and turns it around for good. He has a plan for you… Just follow His lead. Many blessings to you Jessie!


  2. Wendell A. Brown Says:

    Jessie, your crash is only temporary, and you will surely rise up, blossoming brightly…we all touch base with low points in our lives, but you are loved greatly by many and especially by the One, who will never leave you! Wonderful and inspiring post! Hugs and blessings!


  3. Anthony Baker Says:

    I feel compelled to write something, but I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to say to someone who has been through all you have. I feel like François Mauriac in the forward to Ellie Wiesel’s “Night.” It’s like all I can do is (figuratively) sit in silence, hold you, and weep. But then again, isn’t that what you need? You don’t need anyone to tell you anything about God’s faithfulness; you know He is faithful. You know He loves you and your daughter and has cared for you through it all. No one needs to tell you anything; they just need to listen.

    Tell your (His) story. We will listen. We will cry. Then, one day, when we are home, we will finally be able to look each other in the eye with the knowledge that we fully understand. Until then, be strong in the Lord and in His might. The greatest apologetic is a Christian’s life changed by grace.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      My Dear Brother in Christ… for the longest time after reading this I have had no words. Only tears and a heaviness on my heart that began to lift. I can’t necessarily explain why except to say, “it is just that simple – that is it.”

      While counseling others about how to work with survivors of trauma, who often worry and feel like they can’t relate in anyway – this is very similar to what I’d tell them. The only difference is… no one has ever said it to me.

      Victims often times don’t rehash their stories for any other reason than just to be heard and loved. Most of us don’t want pity, attention or anything else. We just want someone to acknowledge what we went through by listening, hold us if we need to cry and accept us after they learn about it. That is it and what we need the most.

      That final knowledge and understanding you speak of – often times it is all I focus on. I try to find peace and comfort in the realization that one day everyone will know the truth and that’s all that really matters, because then it is in our Father’s hands!

      You are also correct that deep down I already know of God’s faithfulness and love for me, but honestly right now… it does my soul good to hear. I need to be reminded of some things which (at the present moment) feel rather distant. So I really appreciate the reassurance, encouragement and support Anthony. Thank you and be well my friend :)


  4. lscotthoughts Says:

    Hi Jessie,

    It’s been awhile and so hard to keep up with everyone, but I’m glad I read this and now know what you’ve been going through…I’m sorry to hear of your struggles, but you’re right…they’re a part of life, except we all have different levels…

    I think you have to do what’s in your heart regarding blogging…you don’t have to lay it all on the table or if you want to, you can…there are no rules, except listening to you and His whispers…

    I wish you all the best in your book and Hawaii does sound awesome for a location to write from! I’m finally publishing my first book of poetry, too, and it seems to be the year for many. Mine will be out next month and I’m very excited…anyway, I send you comforting hugs and wish you better night’s of sleeping, too! ♥


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      My Dear Sweet Lauren… it’s so good to hear from you my friend :) I have missed you and your writing! I’m very excited and happy to hear of your new book – I know it will be a wonderful read and plan on getting my copy as soon as you’re published. You will always be one of my favorite poets! And how did you know about needing better nights of sleeping – lol! I’m afraid that won’t be happening as soon as I’d hoped, but maybe someday… Thank you for encouraging me to do what’s in my heart hun. Warm hugs and lots of love to you! ♥


  5. janahagan Says:

    I have had “mental” arguments with God, telling Him that I am not qualified or capable of doing what I hear Him calling me to do. And that I am too _______(insert word here: selfish, crazy, etc.) to do anything, and that I am too messed up or angry or hurt to do anyone any good. But He does not call the ones are are fully equipped, He fully equips the called. He does not need to wait on me to be completely healed to use me. And if everyone who taught a class or lead a study had it all together, honestly there would be no one teaching or leading. So if He is calling you to do something, He will fully give you everything needed. I should listen to myself too.


  6. joseph elon lillie Says:

    I applaud your decision to be real as you write. I must confess it is something I struggle with on a pretty frequent basis.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you! It can be very challenging and difficult at times. In part, I’ve realized it’s because I’m too worried about what everyone else will think, but that’s exactly why I need to change it. If the worry is so strong that I allow the fear of that to over ride what God want’s me to do, well then… here within lies the problem. It is a risk and scares me, but perhaps it’s also the very reason I’m not further along this path yet.


  7. billgncs Says:

    the secrets we hide grow hidden, fed by darkness. Only in the light are they diminished, and we able to choose to confront them.



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