What an irony… one of the lowest points of my life has been living in paradise.
The question still presses for an answer from deep within wondering,
“What is the dream really about then?”
Part of my dream has always been to write a book from somewhere that inspires me. You know what they say, “Location! Location! Location!” That means something to me because I am such an outdoors person. I really don’t feel at home unless I’m surrounded by all the beauty God created outside. I’ve lived all over this country so naturally thought, “why not Hawaii?” I really enjoy other cultures and kind of thought it’d be the closest thing to leaving the country for now. Also, my decision had a lot to do with weather and how my physical disabilities are affected.
Another part of the dream is to tell my story. Actually… HIS story and I’ve really felt pressed to do this the past couple of years. I just know somehow that ‘it is time’ and the peace I have in that part has never wavered. However, I envisioned it happening much different than how it’s turning out. Becoming transparent about any current struggles I’ve had during this time period has NOT been in my plan. I have tried very hard to ‘keep up the appearance’ I suppose. As trials have come, I’ve done my best not to blog about them in the moment, to have faith that they will pass, then I could just add them to the story later. You know… after I had it all tied up in a pretty little package with a neat bow to secure everything in its place.
“Somehow, I don’t think MY blueprint for all of this looks anything like HIS blueprint does.”
The Flesh Or The Spirit
I’m beginning to think I’ve not taken the approach I should have. My ‘flesh’ has wanted to present things in a certain way to make sure society will accept and approve of them. My mind has been full of thoughts like, “But, how can I continue to help people if my own life seems all messed up again? Isn’t teaching supposed to be about the lesson learned AFTER the trial? Who will listen to me now?”
My lack of blogging at times has been for reasons concerning our safety, yes. But even more so is that I don’t want people to know how I continue to struggle. I feel like I should have it “all together” by now. Or… that if I struggle it must mean I don’t have it together yet or I haven’t learned enough to be useful to anyone else. If I waver it might mean that I’m not a strong enough believer or good enough Christian. If my roots were deep enough and strong enough, I’d never waiver that much again (understanding I come from a very strict, religious background which was very condemning!)
From the onset I have felt like I was supposed to do the exact opposite of what I’ve done. My gut instincts have told me I should be posting still during the trials and if it becomes more like a journal (verses a blog with only neat and tidy articles) then so be it! At least in journaling there is complete freedom it seems – an ability to share things you might not otherwise, because they didn’t ‘fit’ into an article just right. I’ve not shared too many things for that exact reason. I can freelance write nonstop and the poetry comes just about as easily, but it takes so much more when I try to develop an article instead. That just isn’t where my gifts naturally lay. I think I have been hindering myself this entire time and trying to keep too much control of how this all turns out. I realize I have not ‘freely given’ or ‘let go’ yet and have instead been standing in God’s way.
Like It Or Not
Struggles are a part of the journey. By not trusting or letting it all go, there is so much I realize I’ve been holding back. In essence, I’ve held back the ‘journey’ itself by trying only to present the final story and it’s outcome. And I’m sure you’re already thinking how it’s all about the journey and not the outcome that matters most, right? I know… It’s something I learned a long time ago, but didn’t realized that I wasn’t sharing it here. Not until I finally crashed.
When I speak of crashing it means hitting my lowest point. A place I haven’t been since I was a teenager. And quite honestly I know some of those feelings and thoughts have been due to some prescription meds I’ve been taking for sleep. Once I finally realized all the adverse reactions I’ve been suffering, I’ve gotten myself off them, but the withdraw has been horrendous and has compounded everything. I don’t usually take anything at all so maybe it’s happened like it did in order to help me write this last post and finally get out of God’s way (trying to find the good in any of it!)
This Is Where I’m At
As I take a different approach to writing now, I pray it blesses or edifies you in some way. May there be value and lessons learned (for both of us) in all that I share. After all…
It’s a part of who I am – It’s where I am at.
One might say I’m finally listening to what God’s been leading me to do. I just don’t like it much right now, because I feel even more vulnerable and it’s just not how “I” imagined it happening (lol – I know!)
- Dreams Die (jessiejeanine.com)