There is another reason
I have been hesitant to blog about any current struggles or keeping things real…
A very personal aspect, be it from a victim’s perspective, is I can’t seem to get past the idea that my perpetrators may gain some satisfaction in finding out that I’m struggling or perhaps not doing so well. As a victim, we want closure – we want the last say.
Perhaps too, a small part of me thinks that because of all I have sacrificed in order to do what is good, right and just, that at some point it will pay off. In some way, I will be able to see how it has all been worth it and maybe… just maybe it’ll be “my time” one of these days. Do you know what I mean? That at some point in this life “I” will get to experience more of the good than of the bad, more of the happiness than of the saddest, more of the peace than of the hate.
I suppose it is nothing more than my flesh wanting what it wants. It sounds selfish even as I write it. Yet, it is not why I choose to do what is right (hoping for something in return.) That is not the reason behind the choices I make. I simply do what is right, because it seems right. Maybe it has to do with how I grew up and all the evil I was exposed to at such a young age and then as an adult, it has only been compounded… I just know the drive within me for what is good and right has always been there deep-seated within my soul. It is simply who I am.
Then I wonder if my concern about others taking pleasure in my struggles
has anything to do with pride too?
In some ways (without meaning to) maybe I have felt like judge, jury and executioner at times in the roles I’ve had to play. I have helped get a lot of bad people off the streets over the years, including most of my own perps. There is a healthy satisfaction I believe we can take whenever justice prevails and I have been fortunate enough to see most cases I’ve been involved in all the way through.
But, perhaps there is a negative side to all that as well. The couple of times when justice has not seemed to prevail has left me still feeling the pain many years later, almost like a fresh wound. If I am not careful, I can then find myself wondering if the sacrifices and effort were really even worth it. Questions and doubts begin to creep in like, maybe I have not really forgiven some of these people the way I need to if it still hurts or if I’m still concerned with them in this way… Perhaps I am giving them too much power over my life still… Or maybe it means I am not trusting enough in HIM to have the final say in delivering justice like the Bible promises us.
What do you think…
Does it ever rub you wrong to think someone undeserving might be doing better in life than you are? Or does it ever weigh on your heart, thoughts of them being able to move forward in life while you seem stuck in the consequences of what they have done to you and others?
These seem to be normal reactions to being victimized, but I swear… every time I “think” I have moved on, something else happens to remind me of just how tender some of those wounds still are. I keep thinking it must be to help me recognize what areas of life God still wants me to work on.