Judge, Jury and Executioner

September 13, 2013


There is another reason
I have been hesitant to blog about any current struggles or keeping things real…

A very personal aspect, be it from a victim’s perspective, is I can’t seem to get past the idea that my perpetrators may gain some satisfaction in finding out that I’m struggling or perhaps not doing so well. As a victim, we want closure – we want the last say.

Perhaps too, a small part of me thinks that because of all I have sacrificed in order to do what is good, right and just, that at some point it will pay off. In some way, I will be able to see how it has all been worth it and maybe… just maybe it’ll be “my time” one of these days. Do you know what I mean? That at some point in this life “I” will get to experience more of the good than of the bad, more of the happiness than of the saddest, more of the peace than of the hate.

I suppose it is nothing more than my flesh wanting what it wants. It sounds selfish even as I write it. Yet, it is not why I choose to do what is right (hoping for something in return.) That is not the reason behind the choices I make. I simply do what is right, because it seems right. Maybe it has to do with how I grew up and all the evil I was exposed to at such a young age and then as an adult, it has only been compounded… I just know the drive within me for what is good and right has always been there deep-seated within my soul. It is simply who I am.

Then I wonder if my concern about others taking pleasure in my struggles
has anything to do with pride too?

In some ways (without meaning to) maybe I have felt like judge, jury and executioner at times in the roles I’ve had to play. I have helped get a lot of bad people off the streets over the years, including most of my own perps. There is a healthy satisfaction I believe we can take whenever justice prevails and I have been fortunate enough to see most cases I’ve been involved in all the way through.

But, perhaps there is a negative side to all that as well. The couple of times when justice has not seemed to prevail has left me still feeling the pain many years later, almost like a fresh wound. If I am not careful, I can then find myself wondering if the sacrifices and effort were really even worth it. Questions and doubts begin to creep in like, maybe I have not really forgiven some of these people the way I need to if it still hurts or if I’m still concerned with them in this way… Perhaps I am giving them too much power over my life still… Or maybe it means I am not trusting enough in HIM to have the final say in delivering justice like the Bible promises us.

What do you think…

Does it ever rub you wrong to think someone undeserving might be doing better in life than you are? Or does it ever weigh on your heart, thoughts of them being able to move forward in life while you seem stuck in the consequences of what they have done to you and others?

These seem to be normal reactions to being victimized, but I swear… every time I “think” I have moved on, something else happens to remind me of just how tender some of those wounds still are. I keep thinking it must be to help me recognize what areas of life God still wants me to work on.

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13 Comments on “Judge, Jury and Executioner”

  1. secretangel Says:

    I understand how you feel. As victims, it is hard to let go of all of the hurt while our perpetrators are walking around without a concern. It is a daily process where we have to give it all to the Lord everyday. However, we are free from any bondage of our past. As I read this posting, I can see you soaring above the heads of them all. Whereas they hurt you once, they can not touch you now for God has you and His plan for you is great. Just hold onto Him as He guides your path. Many blessings my friend.


  2. Lucas J. Draeger Says:

    I wouldn’t worry too much about them gaining satisfaction. They each are living in a private hell of their own making. Deep thoughts, gentle sis.


  3. Steven Says:

    Forgiveness is letting go, finding peace in our Lord, not always forgetting. Some offenses should never be forgotten especially for the unrepentant heart of the offender. But when we are able to truly forgive and release the judgement to the One who is able to perfectly judge we are able to set ourselves free from the pain and suffering of always remembering the offense and desiring to bring retribution by our own hand to the offender. Leave room for God’s Judgement and be set free to love and live life in the Grace and Mercy of our Heavenly Father. I remember God Will prepare for me a table of feasting before my enemies. God’s Richest Blessings Upon You Jessie.


  4. Anthony Baker Says:

    Psalm 73, my friend…Psalm 73. Don’t grow weary in doing well (Galatians 6:9).


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you Anthony… great reminders. I have been reading, pondering and praying over these and it’s helping me realize how my focus has shifted during this process. I’m not sure how, when or why that happened yet, but my attention has been concentrated on the perps instead of HIM. I need to change that!


  5. Cherilyn Clough Says:

    Hi Jessie,

    I know exactly how you feel! I have been through different stuff, but there is a still a vulnerable feeling whenever we share our hearts with the world.

    It helps for me to separate myself from those who hurt me. I ask Jesus to bless them and take away my bad thoughts about them. Then I focus on what it takes to speak out loud and help others.

    Part of being a victim is having our voices silenced and i just cannot allow that to happen to me anymore.
    The same people who wrote a letter to a judge to discredit me, also burned fifty years of my grandmother’s diaries–they took away her voice before she was even gone. It breaks my heart that I was helpless to help her. I have decided for her sake I will refuse to allow that to happen to me.

    Truth is non-violent weapon and the greatest weapon of all. There might be things you will be cautious about talking about on here, but please don’t let the enemy silence your god-given right to speak up and let your voice be heard.

    Praying for you to be safe and to know safety and peace!

    The Lord will fight for you and you shall have your peace! Ex. 14:14


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      My Dear Sister,

      I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through as well. You couldn’t be more right in the idea that part of being a victim is being silenced. It is something I’ve advocated to others for years myself… Apparently, it is possible to lose sight of even those things we know to be true – if only for a brief time :) Please take care ♥ and warm hugs my friend!

      “Truth is a non-violent weapon and the greatest weapon of all.”


  6. spiritministries Says:

    Jessie, it only becomes satisfaction to them when you don’t share. Remember it is for the glory of God and to benefit others. Start praying and dig down deep inside yourself. God bless you.


  7. sunlightonthewaves Says:

    I don’t know what happened to you, but this I do know — by dwelling on what happened to you every time it enters your thoughts, you are letting the perpetrator(s) take even more from you. Learn to push those thoughts out and move on with what is happening in your life right now.


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