What a loaded question! I know not too many of you have lived a life working undercover or anything, but I bet some of you are tired of pretending to be someone you’re not, or maybe you feel like you’ve been living a lie, or perhaps it’s as simple as “keeping up with the Jonses” to maintain a certain image.
The cases I’ve been involved in have often required me to “start all over” once I’ve done my part. It means, I’ve had to reinvent myself many times over, which is not an easy task when you’re also committed to remaining true to yourself. I have done it though and all the while being a single parent most of the time. Now, after a decade of living this way, I find myself once again starting all over. This time however, I am not doing it for anyone else – it is my time – it is the last time. I am 39 and I need to figure out who “I” really am.
So, what does that mean?
What does it look like?
And who the hell am I, really?
Those are some really great questions. I find the more freedom I have to discover those things, the more I just don’t know. For so many years now I have either chosen to be told who I am and what part I am playing, or I have been involved in abusive relationships where my partner controlled everything and forced me to play some image they dreamed up instead. I have had to be who others have wanted me to be for way too long!
So, to be free of those things and have an ability to choose again is truly bitter-sweet. While I have some core values that I’ve refused to ever (knowingly) compromise, there are so many areas where I don’t know what I like or even want. While I am grateful for the opportunity to begin discovering such things, it is also frustrating. It can even seem a little lonely, which I know isn’t good, so I have been seeking to gain a perspective of empowerment instead.
In essence, I am struggling with trying to find that healthy balance of remaining teachable, even easy to mold or conform to, with being independent and becoming my own person.
Can You Relate?
While our reasons for the struggle of maintaining a balance between being independent and interdependent in life and in our relationships may be different …
I am guessing that we can all relate (at least) on some level?
- “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are – no more, no less.” ~~Jesus (mww1954.wordpress.com)