Because of things I have been involved in I am always ready for a fight and have to remain very aware of my surroundings at all times. I am always on the defensive and get so wrapped up in observing details that I can sometimes miss the obvious. To have to live in a constant state of alertness and defensiveness is very tiring though. It’s like a poison that slowly eats you alive on the inside while you remain unaware that it’s really killing you. You can become so wrapped up in it the only focus becomes simple survival.
How I look forward to the day I can relax. The day when I can live a normal life and maybe even have a real name inscribed on my own mailbox. Then come the times when I wonder, pray and worry that maybe I’m just not meant to live any kind of normal life and this is all I will ever know.