Where I come from weakness can get you killed so you learn not to show what you don’t want to be seen (more about that later though.) I was also taught to do the opposite of what seems natural and NOT trust my gut instincts in most situations. Or to be more accurate… I needed to learn how to TRUST my gut instincts, but choose not to REACT to them. I have purposely been placed in some very compromising and dangerous situations, but could not leave or even righteously respond in the moment otherwise, you don’t get the information you need to see justice done in the end. So I have learned to listen to my mind more than my gut.
It is time to change that!
I have to start learning to trust and listen to my gut instincts more now instead, because they are almost never, ever wrong and I think that is nothing short of amazing. Also, if I have anything to do with it, I am not going to be involved in anymore cases either although, there are degrees to which I will keep my foot in the door. My greatest desire for years has been to live a normal civilian life, especially now as my own daughter reaches adulthood.
I think the most difficult aspect throughout these years has been the emotional side of all this, especially as a woman. The strength and energy it requires to maintain so much control over your own emotions, which can either be used as leverage or they can get you killed, I must admit… really does take its toll. By nature, I have such a carefree, loving and joyful spirit however, it’s almost impossible to be able to live that way if you’re also working undercover.
My choice to get involved with the FBI and other circuits during the past decade is not something I went searching for. I’d say most people who work in areas of law enforcement make a conscious and deliberate decision to do so, because it isn’t for everyone. While I too made that choice, it first came to me by fate (if you will) simply because I married the wrong man. I did not go looking for some new career or anything. It just seemed to fall into my lap and I snatched it up!
How rewarding it’s been to play a role in convicting bad guys over the years though, especially since I’m a survivor of so much myself. To help get another perp of the streets, so no one else can become their prey or fall victim, has indeed been a part of my life’s calling.
But, it’s time for the next chapter in life. The one my “gut” instincts have been trying to lead me to for so long. I believe everything I’ve been through will come together and find a new purpose in this next chapter and as tired as I’ve been during this transitional period… I can not wait!