While there are many areas of life where I have not had any control (we always think we have more than we do) there are areas where I’m used to having a lot of it. I’m used to being in the lead, the one to make all the decisions, the competent and responsible one, the one who is trusted as an independent to always do the right thing. I’ve gotten so used to flying solo and doing most things in my own way and on my own time.
Me, me, me… My, my, my…
For years, I remember consciously trying to use words like “I, me, mine, my” as infrequently as possible. It didn’t seem that difficult though, because my most natural train of thought and focus is typically on other people. I’ve never wanted much for myself. Then I decided to write my story in first person and brand myself as an author, speaker and photographer – now it seems I use those words all the time. It makes me very uncomfortable, as there is a very fine line between self promotion and arrogance, pride, haughtiness, etc. Anyways, I mention that because it seems to tie into this whole control subject I’ve been thinking on and trying to process recently.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I was very blessed to be given some work this past week (hence, why I’ve not posted anything this month) although, for the first time in a long while, I’m not the one in charge. It brought a couple of things to mind.
Trust… letting go.
First of all, how much I miss the comradery of teamwork and volunteering. There are people who know a hell of a lot more than I do and we have to always be willing to learn. After all, the best students make the finest teachers!
Being able to work well under someone or even side by side with others tends to be a trust issue for me more than anything else. I don’t handle incompetence well and have had my fair share in dealing with such people, especially where personal relationships are concerned.
Plus, my work with law enforcement has (more often times than not) had me in positions where people of power and stature were the ones I was investigating. People that hold titles, degrees, and positions who are often times looked up to in the public eye. People whom, at first glance, you would think to be respectable, honest and trustworthy leaders. These are the types of people I have been most surrounded by for the last decade. As a believer, it has been the saddest part of my job – to witness how money and power can corrupt even the best of them. Therefore, in my mind it has become an, “if I can’t trust those in command or who are leading, who can I trust” type of a thing.
This month has already been a very blessed one – mostly in the sense that I’m finally surrounded by ‘a few good men’ on a daily basis. People who aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty to get a job done, who are more than capable of handling what needs to be handled, not sweating the small stuff and who believe in teamwork.
It has been such a nice change of pace to be part of a group who really respects one another. On more than one occasion I watched someone make a mistake (me included) and it was such a relief that no one lost their temper, got angry, blamed or yelled over it. Instead, people rolled up their sleeves and helped correct the problem.
To witness a group of men who are just as willing to learn from one another as they are to lead, makes a strong and lasting impression.
I am more than ready to learn how to relax and trust in the leadership and direction of competent individuals in the real world (verses the ‘training’ I’ve thrived on as an undercover operative). While it isn’t exactly the same thing and is a bit of an internal struggle, I believe that balance will come. Somehow, I don’t think God is finished showing me the flip side of the coin yet.