Home Alone and The 5 Stages

December 5, 2013


So, for the first time in months since we left NC, I have been home alone. My daughter has been visiting with friends again and catching up on old times. Even though I miss her, it’s nice to have our own down time as well.

The first couple of days were a lot of fun. I can’t believe how much I accomplished and have gotten caught up on so far. To be able to do whatever I like and in my own time has been such a blessing and a much-needed break.

home alone

Then came the tears… I finally broke down for a couple of hours yesterday. I realized it’s the first time I have been alone since everything happened in Hawaii (which felt like it happened basically on top of the CA experience!) But, it’s the first time I have been alone and the most relaxed I have been in months.

I suppose as a mom (especially as a single parent) I try very hard not to let my daughter see me cry. I always want her to see me as being strong, competent and able to handle anything that comes our way for the simple fact that I don’t ever want her to feel afraid or worry about the same kinds of stuff I have. I’ve also felt a need to show her by my actions that not everyone is like the unreliable and dishonest people of her past either.

However, the truth is that I know it’s just as important for her to see me be able to be vulnerable and on my knees in prayer, too.

Anyways, I didn’t realize I’ve been going through the stages. First, there was just shock and unbelief I guess. Then I kept bargaining or hoping that if I can at least vacation regularly, etc. Most recently has been the anger, resentment and bitterness. Now there are tears, sadness and grief. Next (hopefully) will be acceptance, contentment and peace. Granted, I may be going through some of it in circles or a bit backwards, but it’s all good.

the five stages

Come to think of it… perhaps my going to Hawaii after what happened in California was my “bargaining” stage, which needed to happen for me to get to the “acceptance” stage. And stages of what – of trying to live like a normal citizen by not going undercover anymore? Hmmm…

the grief ribbon

Doesn’t matter I don’t think. The important part is climbing out of this hole and over the wall I seemed to have built for myself again. The good thing about being down however, is the realization that the only way left to go is up!


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8 Comments on “Home Alone and The 5 Stages”

  1. anonymousonetoo Says:

    First of all I want to say that I really, really like your blog… and your gut-level honesty.
    I’m so glad to hear that you are being vulnerable with your daughter. So many parents are not willing to be that way with their kids, but what is the result? More people in this world who are not able to be honest about their feelings. I try hard to be honest, especially before God. And when I am, I find that God will meet me exactly where I am… honestly… and He seems to be willing to help me at exactly where I am… honestly.

    (my apologies for the omission here anonymousonetto)

    may our wonderful Father bless you… always.


  2. lscotthoughts Says:

    Sometimes it’s good to be alone and have quiet time, Jessie, so enjoy…I know how you feel about wanting your daughter to see you as always strong, etc…however, my kids have seen me cry quite often for whatever reason and because of that, they know I’m only human. Even though I’m their Mom, I feel just like they do and of course, I’ve always been there for them, but now that they’re young adults, they have given me several pep talks when I’ve been down. It’s amazing what our kids can teach us, too! I know I’ve missed many posts so I’m not aware of what happened in Hawaii, but I do hope life gets better and your path smooths out. God Bless you, my friend…xo


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you for the comforting words Lauren. I, too, have been away and miss many posts from friends, but it’s really neat to be able to come back here any time and pick up where we left off. The WordPress family has been so great about that!

      And our children… maybe we should collaborate and write a book about that too – the many lessons they have taught us, lol :) It really is amazing!

      Many blessings and warm hugs my friend, and thank you for connecting again!


  3. Wendell A. Brown Says:

    Enjoy your “quiet time”. Spiritual hugs and blessings Jessie!


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