The Journey…

April 29, 2014

Articles, Soul Seeds

So, for the last couple of months we’ve been traveling the countryside again in search of another place to settle. It has helped me finally realize something – that I am NOT a failure (a bit of an internal struggle I’ve had.) 

internal conflict

So… I moved to Hawaii and it didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean I failed. I also moved to California and once again, I did not fail, but I did give up (I’m finally able to admit that one.) Otherwise, just because I may visit an area and decide I don’t want to live there or that it’s not going to be a good choice, that doesn’t mean I have failed either. Then there were the times I was relocated over the past ten years to work on a case. That was different – that was a job and I did what had to be done, while making the best of  a situation during the process.

The Challenges of Choices

Since we left California we’ve had the freedom and option to go where ever we want (for the most part.) While that’s a wonderful opportunity, it seems to have its own set of challenges as well. On one hand, we are very well traveled and have friends and adopted families all over the country. I absolutely love that! On the flip side of the coin though, it seems difficult knowing where to settle down, because we don’t have any solid ties or roots to any one particular place.


Perhaps this internal struggle of feeling like a failure in some senses is simply the idea that until now, I have not been able to give my daughter the consistency I have wanted to. For the last ten years, we have not lived a typical lifestyle. I don’t believe either of us have any regrets what-so-ever, but like any experience in life, it has its positives and negatives. I have to remind myself that even though I may have fallen short in this area, there are so many opportunities she’s had and things we could not have experienced had I not been undercover so much. Therefore, we have been very blessed in many ways during this journey.

(Perhaps I’m in need of a pep talk, lol!)

And about this consistency thing… just because we haven’t lived in the same house or neighborhood as long as we might like, I’ve done my best to keep other things (the most important things) as consistent as possible for her. She really has learned that “home is where the heart is.” We can go anywhere on a whim and feel right at home, make lots of friends and enjoy whatever is offered.  The ability to be so adaptable will serve her well on her own path of law enforcement (or anything else she may choose to do.) So there are many ways that our experiences have helped make her a very well rounded young lady and I’m so excited for her future! Now, I need to get excited about my own future again as well.

Soul Seeds…

The only real failure in life is the failure to try. We are courageous and beautiful and strong when we learn to chase and live out our dreams. Some people are fearful of even dreaming though. Personally, I believe it is because I have been exposed to so much, that I have learned to chase and follow my dreams (which is the complete opposite of running and hiding.) Sort of like the way I grew up – I believe it is because I experienced so much that was wrong and evil that it drove me to the exact opposite direction in life. These are things I am extremely grateful for! So much has been experienced and learned… It is just some of the good God can bring out of bad, and just some of the ways He can use our experiences for His testimony.

Never let life steal your joy or rob your dreams…
Instead, allow even the negative to propel you forward!


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11 Comments on “The Journey…”

  1. Mark Lanesbury Says:

    Beautifully said Jessie. The greatest journey is the one that makes you find that wonderful person that is you. May your journey, even though it may wander, be that one of discovery within. Namaste


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you Mark :) “Sometimes we can’t find ourselves until we get lost…” It’s a quote I recently read that feels true. To know you are on the right journey, the right path yet, are still able to get lost along the way has certainly made it interesting. I don’t know that I have ever needed so much faith before… in God or myself.


  2. Writing to Freedom Says:

    Congrats on your courage and honesty. I hope you find somewhere that feels right. I’ve been restless and moved a lot too. For me it’s been harder to build lasting ties. but hopefully not for you. blessings, Brad


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thanks so much Brad. Personally, I think part of it’s just being born with a spirit of travel :) I really do enjoy meeting people from all walks of life all over the world. I’m fascinated by other cultures too!


  3. sweetmarie9619 Says:

    All too often we imperfect beings get caught up in the idea of being the best, having the most, and being financially well off. We as a society in general has come to see materialism, the right job, the right degree from the right school, the right car next to the perfectly sized house, etc as success. Many treat others who don’t have these things or who see the futility in chasing them and refuse to chase them as failures. To a certain degree, even if we personally don’t believe that these things are what makes truly successful people, the attitude can rub off on us and cause us to be overly critical of things we already are hard on ourselves for.

    I care about none of these things, and now that I have come through an especially violent relationship to become who I am today, I care even less past the necessities and sometimes a little extra treat here and there. For me, a truly successful person is rich in heart. True, maybe you have moved around a bit, but do you enjoy your daughter’s company? Do you both get excited over each other’s accomplishments, no matter how small? Do you take every opportunity you get to express your gratitude? Do you feel joy when you see your daughter smile? Does it warm your heart when you know you have made a difference in someone’s life? Do you get joy out of helping others knowing they can give you nothing in return?

    True success as people lies in how we treat others, the forgiveness we extend, the gratitude we display, assistance and emotional support we provide, time or cast-offs (clothes, etc) donated to those who are in need. True success as people lies in what we CHOOSE to do not only with the good the comes our way but how we can accept and move on from the bad, and use that to help and inspire others. True success is displayed in how eagerly and compassionately we are moved to show others the same love our God has shown us. The same mercy, kindness, and patience. That you were moved by how He led you from the darkness and have been moved to share that light with others makes you the furthest thing from a failure that you could be.

    Thank you for this post.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      This is very inspiring sweetmarie – thank you! I appreciate the obvious time and effort you put forth in your comment and couldn’t agree with you more. There is so much strength and beauty in your words as a survivor and I must say, the last sentence of your final paragraph brought some tears. It’s such a pleasure to meet you here… I wish you all the best and many blessings!


  4. Life American Style Says:

    Wanting to provide your daughter with some consistency is admirable yet so is the invaluable experience to adapt to change she is learning, as you travel together. Best to you!


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I think so too, Suzi… thank you! I have no regrets and have felt very confident most of the time regarding these choices for several years now. Once in awhile though, the doubt can creep in. I appreciate your encouragement and reassurance. Blessings!


  5. Susan Irene Fox Says:

    Jessie, the thing you have to remember – we all have to remember – is that God’s dreams are so much more extraordinary than ours, so much more remarkable than we can imagine. I, too, lost a dream after I came to Christ. I’m in the middle of a new one that promises to be quite profound, and I have no idea where this journey will lead. But I have made a covenant with Him. I have promised in faith to follow where He leads me. That might sound foolish to some, but He hasn’t abandoned me yet. He hasn’t let me down. And He certainly hasn’t stopped loving me.

    Keep your heart open; He is still leading you with love and grace in His eyes.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      “Keep your heart open; He is still leading you with love and grace in His eyes.”

      Those are words I’ve really needed to hear, so thank you. You know, I’ve always kept my heart open (maybe even to a fault) but that’s where my struggle has been I think this past year. It feels like it wants to close… like it’s finally just had enough, because the trials seem never ending. I know I can’t let that happen though and am so grateful to have the support of friends when it matters most. Hugs!


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