I am so tired of being angry… especially with God.
More often than not, one circumstance after another finds me on my knees in prayer, especially with all of the transitions that have been taking place over the past couple of years. But, once awhile in life, we can find ourselves truly broken and wandering in the wilderness.
That is where I have been it seems ever since we left California. I have been wandering and searching ever since. I have been wrestling with God for so long…
Have You Ever Been There?
Have you ever been so angry with God that you yelled, pleaded, and begged? How many times have you tried to barter and plead your way though a situation ~ “Oh God, if you just give me this or that, I promise to do, to be, to say, to never…” How many of these gut wrenching conversations have you had with Him during your lifetime? More importantly, how many more are you going to have?
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have anymore interactions like that with Him. I cannot win this my way and wish to concede. I am finally learning how to surrender my ALL so there is no more fighting, no more wrestling matches, and no more bargaining chips…
I am finally just too tired.
A War You Cannot Win
After the battle with God is over and once the anger subsides, then come the feelings of being defeated and of losing. After that come the tears. Oh my goodness for the tears! I have had these love/hate battles with Him, which have resulted in a river of tears so deep, that I’ve had to pray and hope He won’t let me drown in the quake of my own flood.
About this time, as I am drifting out to sea and searching to be rescued, I’ll remember how Jesus walked on water. This calms me down, so that I may quit fighting against the storm just long enough to learn how to paddle with the current for awhile instead. As I have undoubtedly learned how to tread water by now, I wait for the life preserver or raft which I just assume is going to appear out of nowhere and save my wet self…
Instead, God says,
“Build your own raft… I’ve already given you all the tools you need.
Have faith in yourself and believe in ME.”
From Wet Seas To Dry Land
Being lost in the wilderness is… incredibly lonely. Even though I know and trust that I am not alone, it still feels that way. And perhaps it’s supposed to. This is something I’ve felt tormented over and feared for the past 2-3 years. My pride and other things have not wanted to let go to the extent that God has wanted, so I have been fighting Him every step of the way.
It has cost me everything…
Everything that “I” deemed important enough to keep.
But, apparently nothing “He” deemed as being important enough.
There must be a reason He allows me to continue being stripped down like this. A reason why my greatest struggle has been to be alone. It’s a season I have feared and haven’t thought I could survive, because I’m such a people person and thrive off helping others so much.
I’ve come to the recent realization that as much as I love others and try to lead them to Christ, I have also become too dependent upon that. It’s a good quality to have, but like anything else, it can become perverse too. It is how I learned to feel loved, validated and worthy…
God wants me to be fulfilled by His love instead.
To give up all else, so that I learn to rely on Him alone to complete me.
The Lesson I Did Not Want
So… I am a hot mess that’s gone out to sea, survived the storm, but has been left in the wilderness to dry out. I’ve been teaching and leading for so long in so many different directions… I’ve forgotten to feed myself. How is it that I could have so much to give others, but nothing left to offer myself.
I have sought God in every situation, person and circumstance that I could… but not within myself. I have sought Him externally and avoided the internal for as long as I could. I guess my biggest fear is what I might find out about myself. How can I be so fearless with the life I’ve had yet, be so afraid of this? How is it that I can believe so strongly and help others to believe what God says about them, but not believe what He says about me?
Oh, for the tears…!
This is terribly frustrating, because it seems like such an easy lesson and yet, at the same time, it also feels like the greatest challenge of my life. How can I understand so many other things which seem way more complex than this and yet, I feel like a babe in Christ all over again?
How long will this season last now that I’ve quit fighting for all the wrong reasons? Is this why I’ve been so ‘stuck’ since leaving California and why things seemed to stop in their tracks just when I thought they were taking flight? I knew even back then how tired I was, but didn’t know how to fix it or replenish myself to keep up the pace anymore. Perhaps the key is:
I have finally reached MY limit
and am at the end of MY strength.
Now, it’s time to believe in God’s unlimited power
and rely on HIS strength instead!