Wrestling With God

August 25, 2014


I am so tired of being angry… especially with God.

More often than not, one circumstance after another finds me on my knees in prayer, especially with all of the transitions that have been taking place over the past couple of years. But, once awhile in life, we can find ourselves truly broken and wandering in the wilderness.

That is where I have been it seems ever since we left California. I have been wandering and searching ever since. I have been wrestling with God for so long…

Wrestling With God

Have You Ever Been There?

Have you ever been so angry with God that you yelled, pleaded, and begged? How many times have you tried to barter and plead your way though a situation ~ “Oh God, if you just give me this or that, I promise to do, to be, to say, to never…” How many of these gut wrenching conversations have you had with Him during your lifetime? More importantly, how many more are you going to have?


I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have anymore interactions like that with Him. I cannot win this my way and wish to concede. I am finally learning how to surrender my ALL so there is no more fighting, no more wrestling matches, and no more bargaining chips…

I am finally just too tired.

A War You Cannot Win

After the battle with God is over and once the anger subsides, then come the feelings of being defeated and of losing. After that come the tears. Oh my goodness for the tears! I have had these love/hate battles with Him, which have resulted in a river of tears so deep, that I’ve had to pray and hope He won’t let me drown in the quake of my own flood.

Drowning in a sea of tears.

About this time, as I am drifting out to sea and searching to be rescued, I’ll remember how Jesus walked on water. This calms me down, so that I may quit fighting against the storm just long enough to learn how to paddle with the current for awhile instead. As I have undoubtedly learned how to tread water by now, I wait for the life preserver or raft which I just assume is going to appear out of nowhere and save my wet self…

Instead, God says,
“Build your own raft… I’ve already given you all the tools you need. 
Have faith in yourself and believe in ME.”

From Wet Seas To Dry Land

Being lost in the wilderness is… incredibly lonely. Even though I know and trust that I am not alone, it still feels that way. And perhaps it’s supposed to. This is something I’ve felt tormented over and feared for the past 2-3 years. My pride and other things have not wanted to let go to the extent that God has wanted, so I have been fighting Him every step of the way. 

It has cost me everything…
Everything that “I” deemed important enough to keep. 
But, apparently nothing “He” deemed as being important enough.

There must be a reason He allows me to continue being stripped down like this. A reason why my greatest struggle has been to be alone. It’s a season I have feared and haven’t thought I could survive, because I’m such a people person and thrive off helping others so much.

I’ve come to the recent realization that as much as I love others and try to lead them to Christ, I have also become too dependent upon that. It’s a good quality to have, but like anything else, it can become perverse too. It is how I learned to feel loved, validated and worthy…

God wants me to be fulfilled by His love instead.
To give up all else, so that I learn to rely on Him alone to complete me.

The Lesson I Did Not Want

So… I am a hot mess that’s gone out to sea, survived the storm, but has been left in the wilderness to dry out. I’ve been teaching and leading for so long in so many different directions… I’ve forgotten to feed myself. How is it that I could have so much to give others, but nothing left to offer myself. 

Empty Hands

I have sought God in every situation, person and circumstance that I could… but not within myself. I have sought Him externally and avoided the internal for as long as I could. I guess my biggest fear is what I might find out about myself. How can I be so fearless with the life I’ve had yet, be so afraid of this? How is it that I can believe so strongly and help others to believe what God says about them, but not believe what He says about me? 

Oh, for the tears…!

This is terribly frustrating, because it seems like such an easy lesson and yet, at the same time, it also feels like the greatest challenge of my life. How can I understand so many other things which seem way more complex than this and yet, I feel like a babe in Christ all over again?

The Drought

How long will this season last now that I’ve quit fighting for all the wrong reasons? Is this why I’ve been so ‘stuck’ since leaving California and why things seemed to stop in their tracks just when I thought they were taking flight? I knew even back then how tired I was, but didn’t know how to fix it or replenish myself to keep up the pace anymore. Perhaps the key is:

I have finally reached MY limit
and am at the end of MY strength.
Now, it’s time to believe in God’s unlimited power
and rely on HIS strength instead!

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16 Comments on “Wrestling With God”

  1. lscotthoughts Says:

    I can relate, Jessie, and I love “God’s way or My own way.” It’s so hard to let go and let God because His way may not be our way. That’s the tough part in strong faith. I struggle with it everyday. Sending hugs and blessings to you…


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      You said the magic words… “His way may not be our way.” And how often might we assume exactly that? I learned long ago that it is all in His timing and not my own, but regardless of the whole “Thy will be done” thing, I pictured His will for my life lining up a lot more with what my will for my life was. Instead, I’ve come to realize that we may not even be on the same page, lol! (OK – it’s not that bad, but you know what I mean!)

      It isn’t that this stuff is new to me, because I’ve even led lessons on it before. But, it seems we sometimes need to be reminded of things again. On the flip side of that, I love how you can read the same passage over and over again in the Bible and depending upon where you are in life, you can gain more insight and even a brand new perspective each time you read it.

      Many warm thoughts and hugs to you as well my friend!


      • lscotthoughts Says:

        I laughed when I read about not being on the same page as God. Yep, that’s pretty much life sometimes. My Mom passed away 2 years ago at the age of 90 and during her last couple of months, she was experiencing anxiety. It was so easy for me to tell her to try and steer her mind towards good things, happy thoughts. Now, at 53, I’m experiencing the same thing. It’s not bad, at all, but with all the horrific events in the world and Mother Nature showing her emotions, I just worry! :)
        As I told you, I struggle to let go and let God. But all this bad stuff that’s happening, whose doing is that? And why would God allow some things to happen? These are only two of the many questions that constantly occupy my mind, Jessie, and I don’t think the answer will be clear until we’re with Him. Anyway, thanks for listening and hang in there, keep the faith and continue with your inspiring and honest posts…♥


        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          You’ve hit close to home with the anxiety thing Lauren… I’ve not dealt with myself either, but the person closest to me has, so I’ve struggled with learning how to realistically help her with it. Like you said, it can be easy when you’re on the outside looking in to tell people to just put their focus elsewhere (on positive or Godly things) even when it’s obvious the struggle they’re going through, so I don’t want to do that. But, I don’t know what else to offer – is there anything that has been helping you? Or is there any different advice you’d give to those who are around you now that you’re experiencing some of it yourself?

          You know, I believe everything bad comes from Satan and I think God allows things to happen for so many different reasons. I believe ultimately though, it’s about giving us the choice of who we will follow and where we want to spend eternity. If you think about it, every situation or circumstance that arises gives us that chance to choose and we will either be strengthened in our faith or not believe at all. I agree though, that we’ll never know or have the complete answers until we get to be with Him… and what a glorious day that will be :)

          I don’t know if it’ll help any, but here are a couple of poems I’ve written in an attempt to understand the answers to the same kinds of questions you have and attached to them somewhere will be some articles too. Good Grief! ~ Where Is God When It Hurts? ~ Would I Ever Know Jesus? ~ The Gardener

          Phi 4:6-8 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, my brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are right, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue and if there is any praise, think on these things.

          My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend and thank you so much for sharing what’s in your heart as well. You have such a beautiful soul! Receiving support and encouragement from one of my favorite poets is a pretty great thing! :) Many warm hugs to you! ♥


          • lscotthoughts Says:

            I’m okay, Jessie, just sometimes at night my mind wanders, but it’s not a constant issue. Hopefully, it won’t be, either. Thanks for your reply and I agree with all you said about God and Satan, etc.and I’ll check out your poems, too. If they’re older I might have already read them, but yours are always worth reading again and again. :)This verse is very comforting, also and I hope your road smooths out very soon, my friend..Hugs back to you again! ♥


  2. waynemali Says:

    I know the feeling, the situation here at home is a tough one I have to live with, I pray for resolution everyday, but nothing happens, I put up with the pain and carry in another day praying, whilst feeling like He’s saying all in my time, keep going and I just want to shout at him for it not being now, in my time. It’s hard and I’ve shed those tears and still do, I have to pray for all my anger & resentment to be removed, for another day at least.
    The word I got last night was T.O.I.L. keep working, it’s hard but you’ll get there, maybe we both will, it’s just not in our time.
    God bless


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      You know… if there’s something I’ve recently learned, it’s that I can’t hear Him when I’m so busy shouting at Him.

      “Toil” is a good one. It brings to heart persistence – something we learn to do even when we don’t feel like it. The hardest part has been realizing and accepting that it may or may not truly get better – what’s suppose to change is our attitude about it though. God wants to change our mind and our hearts, and I think He will allow and use any circumstance He needs to. It’s the whole ‘learning how to be content regardless of our situation’ thing and it’s a tough one. My heart goes out to you, as we both learn to embrace His timing instead of our own :)

      You and your family are in my prayers Wayne. Blessings my friend!


  3. jordysaherrera Says:

    Reblogged this on Supernatural Passion and commented:
    All of us have been there, and I continue to wrestle with him from time to time! We must overcome the enemy , and stop resisting God. I refuse to be the devil’s friend, and be an enemy of God!


  4. brianwilliamsen Says:

    Amen! He is the strength in our weakness and will fight every battle for us. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, my friend. Good things ahead!


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      “He is the strength in our weakness…”

      It’s funny how we can think we have an understanding of something, until life shows us otherwise. That’s what I love the most about His Word though. Hugs and warm thoughts Brian!



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