So… what to do now? Honestly people I feel bored out of my mind half the time. My entire life has always been my kid, working with law enforcement and serving others, but now I don’t even have pets to take care of anymore. I have periods where it feels like I’m losing my mind, to bawling my eyes out with God, to being content… I’m just not myself. In fact, that’s the problem! I’m trying to figure out who I am now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m staying very busy with writing, reading, and trying to gain control over finances again, but it’s just not the same. When my girl is gone for days at a time (which I’m happy about,wanting her to go have a fun and fulfilling life) and I’m done with a few meaningless errands, I just don’t know what to do with myself. Even I need a break from the writing and counseling with people. I’m not interested in hanging out in bars and such either.
I never realized how the business of life could take me away from God before. I’m going through this, because where I once had a very intimate and personal relationship with Him, I let life pull me away these last couple of years. Instead of being diligent with God, I became diligent with life – diligent in surviving and staying busy. Now, for the first time ever, I feel like I don’t really have anything to take care of anymore, so I’m struggling with feeling unloved and useless. Ugh! No home, no pets, no leading of anything, going through the empty nest syndrome, no romantic relationships, no ‘nothing’ anymore it seems…
Ironically, it’s a place I have both feared and prayed to experience for a very long time. It is just me and God right now… Yep ~ just me and God and all my stuff. YUCK! Well, it’s both yucky and beautiful all at the same time, if you know what I mean :)
This is what happens when we don’t find a purpose outside of our children and the busyness of life though. When we make our kids, spouses, jobs, or hobbies our only purpose and reasons for living… what happens when it’s all gone one day? When everything becomes still and there is nothing left… then what? What happens when it’s just you and you’re left standing all alone?
I Was Meant To Be A Mommy
As my daughter spreads her wings to fly… I can’t help but remember our earlier days together (something I’m sure we all go through, as they’re getting ready to leave home.) I keep thinking about how she would run into my arms everyday when I’d pick her up from school and I’d spin her in circles. Man, how that little girl could giggle and fill a room with joy! I also remember the feelings of not wanting her to leave me, but of course, when we love them we let them go :)
Now, as I drop her off at college, I find myself having the same thoughts. It’s like one big circle! Only now she comes home talking to me about professors and drinking coffee with cute boys during lectures, instead of singing and dancing around the house to Barney or one of her favorite Disney movies.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe my child still needs me and always will, but not in the same ways. I was told that it is not that I don’t have a purpose anymore, but that my purpose is changing (meaning there’s still more for me to do?) And that makes sense… I just don’t like it, lol! I don’t like it, because I don’t understand it yet, and can’t figure out what my purpose is supposed to be now. I haven’t felt like I’ve ever really had one outside of being a mommy. Sure, I’ve accomplished a lot and helped people, but none of that felt like my purpose.
Except for when I was evangelist maybe (thinking out loud people, just hang with me.) Regardless of the title, I definitely felt like I was doing something I was created to do. It felt more like there was a purpose for everything I went through though, verses being my specific purpose… Maybe they’re one in the same? And maybe I’m thinking too much again, lol!
Is There More To Life?
I feel totally lost and out of my element when I’m not so busy taking care of other people and things. To me, life has always been about relationships and being of service, but is there more to it than that? There must be. Otherwise, why would I feel so empty now without those things. What am I missing?
I know, I know… it means I became more dependent upon others and the things of this world than on God. He wants me to look to Him to fulfill those voids in my life and perhaps the only way He could get my full attention was to drag me out to the wilderness all alone. Here… I have nothing. I have been stripped of everything. It is just Him and me… What does He want?
Perhaps this is the only way some of us are able to see our own inequities, or those that are left hidden inside, which He so badly wants to rid us of. There is nothing to distract me here. Maybe we really can’t see ourselves clearly until we get alone in the wilderness with Him.
Our God is a jealous God…
He is not going to be satisfied with just having part of us.
He wants ALL of us!
I thrive off personal relationships SO much, so why am I not in one? Could it be, because instead of bringing me closer to God, they kept me from Him (be it intentional or not?) That isn’t what I want however. I have been holding out for a relationship that is centered around Christ and where we compliment each other’s lives in positives ways (make it better.) It has to be a good fit for both sides plus, it’s been hard to find someone to stand their ground with me, verses feeling intimidated by my past or the things I’ve chosen to be involved in.
Can you tell, my mind has been all over the place again today. The last few of days being alone was good and it feels like I took full advantage of them and was focused. Today however (Saturday)… is a tough one.
What Have I Done
I suppose what worries me the most about realizing how much of my self-worth has come from other people and my circumstances (things outside myself, instead of from God) is that I have probably inadvertently taught my daughter the same thing.
“Father God, may my child not grow so dependent upon everything and everyone else
that she doesn’t know what her real value and worth are in You.”
BLESSINGS & GRATITUDE…
Just a quick note (as I lost some people’s contact info.) to say thank you to those who have made donations and helped us this month. It is greatly appreciated and has been really needed! I know somehow we’ll reach of our goal of another $1,000 to take possession and get moved into our new place in two weeks (that would sustain us until the end of Oct. in which we should be back on our feet by then again.) In the meantime though, we’ve both been busy trying to make more money on the side. It’s because we just had to spend way too much time in the hotels after we got here, but we’re happy to moving on now :) Also, so very grateful to our current hosts, as we’ve been very comfortable and content.