Lonely In My Aloneness

September 1, 2014

Articles

So… what to do now? Honestly people I feel bored out of my mind half the time. My entire life has always been my kid, working with law enforcement and serving others, but now I don’t even have pets to take care of anymore. I have periods where it feels like I’m losing my mind, to bawling my eyes out with God, to being content… I’m just not myself. In fact, that’s the problem! I’m trying to figure out who I am now.

Who-Am-I

Don’t get me wrong, I’m staying very busy with writing, reading, and trying to gain control over finances again, but it’s just not the same. When my girl is gone for days at a time (which I’m happy about,wanting her to go have a fun and fulfilling life) and I’m done with a few meaningless errands, I just don’t know what to do with myself. Even I need a break from the writing and counseling with people. I’m not interested in hanging out in bars and such either.

Seeking Answers

I never realized how the business of life could take me away from God before. I’m going through this, because where I once had a very intimate and personal relationship with Him, I let life pull me away these last couple of years. Instead of being diligent with God, I became diligent with life – diligent in surviving and staying busy. Now, for the first time ever, I feel like I don’t really have anything to take care of anymore, so I’m struggling with feeling unloved and useless. Ugh! No home, no pets, no leading of anything, going through the empty nest syndrome, no romantic relationships, no ‘nothing’ anymore it seems…

Not Because of What I've Done

Ironically, it’s a place I have both feared and prayed to experience for a very long time. It is just me and God right now… Yep ~ just me and God and all my stuff. YUCK! Well, it’s both yucky and beautiful all at the same time, if you know what I mean :)

This is what happens when we don’t find a purpose outside of our children and the busyness of life though. When we make our kids, spouses, jobs, or hobbies our only purpose and reasons for living… what happens when it’s all gone one day? When everything becomes still and there is nothing left… then what? What happens when it’s just you and you’re left standing all alone?

I Was Meant To Be A Mommy

As my daughter spreads her wings to fly… I can’t help but remember our earlier days together (something I’m sure we all go through, as they’re getting ready to leave home.) I keep thinking about how she would run into my arms everyday when I’d pick her up from school and I’d spin her in circles. Man, how that little girl could giggle and fill a room with joy! I also remember the feelings of not wanting her to leave me, but of course, when we love them we let them go :)

I'm a Mommy

Now, as I drop her off at college, I find myself having the same thoughts. It’s like one big circle! Only now she comes home talking to me about professors and drinking coffee with cute boys during lectures, instead of singing and dancing around the house to Barney or one of her favorite Disney movies.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe my child still needs me and always will, but not in the same ways. I was  told that it is not that I don’t have a purpose anymore, but that my purpose is changing (meaning there’s still more for me to do?) And that makes sense… I just don’t like it, lol! I don’t like it, because I don’t understand it yet, and can’t figure out what my purpose is supposed to be now. I haven’t felt like I’ve ever really had one outside of being a mommy. Sure, I’ve accomplished a lot and helped people, but none of that felt like my purpose.

who-am-i

Except for when I was evangelist maybe (thinking out loud people, just hang with me.) Regardless of the title, I definitely felt like I was doing something I was created to do. It felt more like there was a purpose for everything I went through though, verses being my specific purpose… Maybe they’re one in the same? And maybe I’m thinking too much again, lol!

Is There More To Life?

I feel totally lost and out of my element when I’m not so busy taking care of other people and things. To me, life has always been about relationships and being of service, but is there more to it than that? There must be. Otherwise, why would I feel so empty now without those things. What am I missing?

Lonely in My Aloneness

I know, I know… it means I became more dependent upon others and the things of this world than on God. He wants me to look to Him to fulfill those voids in my life and perhaps the only way He could get my full attention was to drag me out to the wilderness all alone. Here… I have nothing. I have been stripped of everything. It is just Him and me… What does He want?

Alone With God

Perhaps this is the only way some of us are able to see our own inequities, or those that are left hidden inside, which He so badly wants to rid us of. There is nothing to distract me here. Maybe we really can’t see ourselves clearly until we get alone in the wilderness with Him.

Our God is a jealous God…
He is not going to be satisfied with just having part of us.
He wants ALL of us!

I thrive off personal relationships SO much, so why am I not in one? Could it be, because instead of bringing me closer to God, they kept me from Him (be it intentional or not?) That isn’t what I want however. I have been holding out for a relationship that is centered around Christ and where we compliment each other’s lives in positives ways (make it better.) It has to be a good fit for both sides plus, it’s been hard to find someone to stand their ground with me, verses feeling intimidated by my past or the things I’ve chosen to be involved in.

Can you tell, my mind has been all over the place again today. The last few of days being alone was good and it feels like I took full advantage of them and was focused. Today however (Saturday)… is a tough one.

What Have I Done

I suppose what worries me the most about realizing how much of my self-worth has come from other people and my circumstances (things outside myself, instead of from God) is that I have probably inadvertently taught my daughter the same thing.

“Father God, may my child not grow so dependent upon everything and everyone else
that she doesn’t know what her real value and worth are in You.”

grateful heart

BLESSINGS & GRATITUDE…

Just a quick note (as I lost some people’s contact info.) to say thank you to those who have made donations and helped us this month. It is greatly appreciated and has been really needed! I know somehow we’ll reach of our goal of another $1,000 to take possession and get moved into our new place in two weeks (that would sustain us until the end of Oct. in which we should be back on our feet by then again.) In the meantime though, we’ve both been busy trying to make more money on the side. It’s because we just had to spend way too much time in the hotels after we got here, but we’re happy to moving on now :) Also, so very grateful to our current hosts, as we’ve been very comfortable and content.

 

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23 Comments on “Lonely In My Aloneness”

  1. clara54 Says:

    Hi Jessie, thanks for stopping by, liking and following my blog. What I’ve read so far of your blog, I can relate. Becoming an Emptynester is never easy ( my daughter is going through her daughter’s transition to move to another state) but we have to, as you know ,let them go with love and prayer.

    I am following your journey and wish you much inner peace and joy! Just “Be” in the stillness of nature and God will guide your steps to your soul purpose.

    Visit my site for women voices @ http://wisewoman2.wordpress.com to share and connect:)

    Peace and blessings,
    Clara.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I appreciate the encouragement, visit and connection as well Clara :) Thank you for having to the courage to speak up and for helping other women to find their strength within. Many blessing to you and it’s a pleasure to share in the journey together!

      Reply

  2. lscotthoughts Says:

    When our children grow up, it is a very different chapter in life and I have felt the same way, Jessie. I think you just need to focus on your relationship with God, try to have faith that He’ll lead you in the right direction and also dive into things/activities that bring you joy. Being one with nature, exercise, etc. along with writing. But it’s important to keep up with our hobbies so that we don’t feel empty when our children are beginning to leave the nest…just some thoughts.
    Remember those baby days when you couldn’t wait to have some quiet time, when your little cute baby girl probably cried a little too much and your nerves were just about shattered? Well, now you have that quiet time, so embrace it with anything that makes you smile. :) Hugs and blessings to you, my friend…

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Oh my Lauren… my baby girl was colic and even then I didn’t mind. Call me strange I guess, lol! I know what you mean though and if I’ve ever felt that at all it’s been during the stubborn teenage years /: So, I’ll take them all at age two and you can have them back about 10 years later, lol (;

      The hobbies and other interests are good. In thinking about it, we’ve been traveling so much the last 2 years since leaving CA that we really haven’t had time to stay involved in stuff like that. Life has just been so different. It will be good to finally be grounded again though (or at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.) It really is time to find out what makes me smile…

      Warm thoughts and hugs to you too, my friend!

      Reply

  3. Cherilyn Clough Says:

    I have been there and I find it is scary but also a very exciting time because you are waiting on the Lord. Let him show you what your next step is and be surprised. I think we can barely hear the still small voice wooing us in our busy lifestyle and culture today. So allow yourself to revive in the Spirit in God’s time and meanwhile maybe try some art or a new pursuit of hiking or music or whatever unleashes your joy. Just be in Him.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      “Just be in Him…” Yes, that’s what I have forgotten how to do. Thanks Cherilyn!

      Reply

      • Cherilyn Clough Says:

        Yes, and remember we are human BEings not human doings so you really don’t have to do but be. I have to work on this myself. :)

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          Ugh… now you got me! That’s my struggle too. I don’t feel like I am anything unless I’m busy doing something.

          Reply

          • Cherilyn Clough Says:

            But you are enough just as you are. A friend of mine went to a seminar where they worked on their mission statement for days before hand and wrote down all their labels and positions they held, they were so proud of all their hard work. Then they were instructed to throw their lists into the fire. They said it was a shock at first, but also freeing to learn to see that who they are in God has nothing to do with all the things they do. Sort of like sitting with God on the Dock in the Shack. Just being with Jesus and allowing Him to remind you of who you really are. Blessings on you! :)

            Reply

  4. Michael Summers Says:

    Be still, listen to God, and … take a look inside and get to know yourself again. In times similar to what you describe, praying, running, and regular church attendance kept me going (sometimes I felt alone even at church, but still had this sense that I was with my family while the lyrics of the songs, with the words of prayers, sermons, and communion meditations, reminded me that God still was there with me in my desert. Be well.

    Reply

  5. Emily Rose Lewis Says:

    I think Jesus wants to use this time to honeymoon with you, like an anniversary honeymoon that couples often take after years together to rekindle their passion for one another. You are definitely wise to avoid romantic pursuits for this season. You will look back on this time with great appreciation for the renewed intimacy with Christ that will come out of it. A season of receiving His personal care and affection will rejuvenate you for whatever work you are called to do next. This time will be used to send you back out remembering to come away from the crowds for times of refreshing for yourself in personal communion.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I had to read this a couple of times, because the first sentence just melted my soul. It brings me right back to the idea of being able to truly view Him as both my Father and my husband. Sure, I’ve been taught that, but I haven’t really learned how to embrace it yet, nor do I even understand fully what it means. I believe that’s also the core of my struggles… if I could just gain the slightest understanding of His love for me… if I could believe it in even the smallest way… then I’d get over perhaps the greatest hurdle of my life. I have to learn to love myself enough to take the time away to be with Him a lot more, so I can come back to help others more ~ you’re exactly right with that too. Thank you for such a beautiful message and wonderful words of encouragement!

      Reply

      • Emily Rose Lewis Says:

        Have you ever tried journaling with Jesus? I do this by finding a time and space of solitude and beginning to worship God, maybe reading scripture and singing, then I write a question I want to ask God and just begin writing what I hear as a response. I think, especially if you have been in the word for awhile, this is one wonderful way to grow intimacy with the Lord. You would be surprised how easy the flow of words comes out of the pen or keypad as the Holy Spirit responds to your questions. I too came out of a life of abuse; physical, sexual and mental. I worked as a stripper and then as a prostitute. I was in the sex industry for 9 years. I have been out for over 13 years and its been a long journey to healing and wholeness as I am sure you understand. Remaining single, particularly these last 5 years that I haven’t dated at all, has been the best thing I could have done for myself I think. Everyone is different I realize but becoming completely content without a man is incredibly freeing. I still desire marriage and believe with all my heart that I will marry one day but now I know that when I marry it will be for the right reasons and I won’t be looking to that man to meet intimacy needs that only God can meet.

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          This is funny, because when I purchased the book that’s helping me so much right now, I also got a journal (thanks to having coupons as a sign up bonus) because it has that verse I keep running into everywhere ~ Jeremiah 29:11 It’s been sitting here propped up next to my bed, but I haven’t known what to write in it yet, and have been praying (I do my regular journaling and notes on the computer.) Now, I have my answer :)

          I tried journaling with Jesus once years ago, but I still had too much anger. After a handful of unpleasant letters to Him, I quit because I felt so bad/guilty and couldn’t get past those feelings to write more loving things. I suppose there’s no time like the present to try again though!

          And you have an incredible story Emily ~ WOW! I’m following you, but am going to go through your site a lot more very soon. Thank you so much for having the courage to talk about it, and for allowing Him to use you and all you’ve been through, to reach out to other survivors like me. Your last line really touches my soul. Blessings and much appreciation!

          Reply

  6. Army of Angels Says:

    I love this…finding purpose has become a mission for my small group. It is so easy to fall into a life of finding purpose through people rather than God…especially when we are meeting a need. I struggle with being still…here is a link to our effort. Our little town has the highest rate of domestic violence in our state- that statistic speaks volumes. We are reaching out to the community-starting with teens and young adults who may be struggling to find their way.
    https://m.facebook.com/pursuitofpurpose?ref=bookmark
    Feeling it with you…💛

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      And I love what you’re doing as well :) “It is so easy to fall into a life of finding purpose through people rather than God…” That about sums it up! I would have sworn that isn’t what I was doing though, lol. I thought I was just really great at loving on people. Thanks so much for the link as well, I’ll be sure to check it out. Blessings to you.

      Reply

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