I’m most naturally a night owl although, it isn’t really possible to entertain such hours when you have a family life.
Sleepless in Colorado
However, I have watched the sun come up more often than not over these past couple of months. It is much easier to maintain a regular schedule when you have children at home or when you work a typical job, because you kind of have to. But, if you don’t have those responsibilities or if they change, it can kind of feel like a death sentence!
Don’t get me wrong, having the freedom to create your own schedule is a wonderful blessing and I don’t know that I’d ever change it! But just like anything else, it can have it’s draw backs too, so this is just one of those things I dislike about living alone. I must admit that night-time has always been a tough one for me though.
They say evil comes out at night
So it can’t be exposed by the light.
Don’t Let The Bedbugs Bite and Other Things That Go Bang In The Night
Growing up, night-time was always the worst in my home. I would try to have as much homework and extra credit as I could, so I’d have something legitimate to do that would keep me awake until the sun came up again (or at least until the activities in my house calmed down enough for people to pass out, then I knew it might finally be safe enough, so I could close my eyes and rest for awhile.)
More than once, I even tore apart the paneling from the back of my closet to make a hidden fort, doing my best to stay ‘out of sight ~ out of mind,’ but it was always to little, or no avail.
Then after giving birth to my girl, I made a vow that she would never know the terrors of the night like I did. So, we would always have some kind of energetic, fun playtime in the evenings like jumping on the bed, pillow fights, or chasing each other in the dark with light up swords (one of her favorite activities!) Followed by reading a couple (or several) books together right before bed. She always had to fall asleep holding my hand or one of my fingers while I sang to her. Then I’d pray over her (as I still do) to have a peaceful mind, calm heart, double her sleep and sweet dreams. Finally, after I tucked her in, I would go to my own room, and try to do the same thing for myself.
“Coming back around after a short trip down memory lane…”
More Things That Go Bang In The Night
I have diagnosed insomnia too, which also means that I never enter REM sleep.
If you add that on top of my childhood, being a single parent and the only protector of our home plus, the training and hours I often times had to keep while working undercover, it’s no wonder I don’t know how to relax at night. I’ve mostly had to sleep with one eye open, which means that my mind and body have always felt like they’ve had to be on high alert at all times. Obviously, I don’t have to live like that anymore, but learning how not to may prove to be a greater challenge yet.
A few things that helped me sleep more during those years and maintain a healthy atmosphere for a family of my own, happened with lots of prayer and by creating a solid foundation of some very specific habits and consistent routines (especially when we had relocate so many times over the years.) I was also very intentional about raising my girl in a home filled with laughter and joy, because one’s home should be a total sanctuary, and a place you want to come back to.
Being a mom while creating and maintaining this home life, has been the most important task I could have ever been given, and is something that I was meant to do. But, what about the rest of my life now? Life, for me, has always been about the service of others ~ family always being first.
The Boogie Man and The Night Owl
You know, when the lights go out and everything is quiet at night… When there’s nothing left to distract you from your own thoughts, memories and feelings… That’s where I find myself struggling again. My mind tends to race with all that I’ve seen and been through, so the only way I’ve found to calm it down at night is to close my eyes and picture the cross in my mind. But, that hasn’t been working as well now that I’m alone so much of the time.
When I’m all alone in the house, day after day like this, I’ve found that I don’t like the night-time again and have even begun to dread its approach. I dread the time the night takes, before it finally dawns a new light. Hence, feeding the night owl.
The clock always moves slower when we’re waiting for time to pass.
It’s Not That I Can’t Be Alone, It’s That I Don’t Want To Be Anymore
So, I have definitely noticed that when I’m at least in a trusted relationship living with someone, I seem to naturally relax and can even rest or sleep, almost without any effort. That is what I desire to have again. And besides, neither man nor woman was created to be ‘alone’ anyways… Just say’in!
Therefore, I have decided to find another roommate since I’m not married and don’t have anymore pets either, lol. For me, it is just enough to know that someone else is in the house (or coming home at some point) although, the hope is to enjoy a genuine friendship. This has proven to be a struggle too though, because trust isn’t something I can afford to freely give. That’s why when I find people in life that are trustworthy, I cherish those individuals for their characteristics, and my loyalty to them is solid. Respect is another one too, because while I love doing things with people and don’t want to be alone, I enjoy having some private time as well.
In conclusion (as others have pointed out) perhaps I’m simply meant to be alone during this period in order to have the freedom for more travel and speaking engagements. Or maybe it’s in hopes that I’ll finally learn to quit struggling with God in the wilderness. Or perhaps it’s just as simple as learning not to settle in my relationships anymore. I’m not sure, but what I do know is, there are ways we could never grow without having to go through the storms, so I don’t doubt there are several reasons or good things that will come of it… I’m just stating (for the record) that I don’t like it very much, lol! :) As many of you know, surviving one storm after another can be purely exhausting!
I may be a night owl again for now, but that’s OK. Some day, I’ll be able to replace the nightmares with sweet dreams instead, and the falling of the night will signify a peaceful rest and just one more thing to look forward to with each passing day.