When We Get It Ass Backwards

February 9, 2016

Articles, Inspiration

I have all these ideas, but they’ve never seemed
GRAND enough,
BIG enough
or IMPORTANT enough to

Make a difference,
Make a change,
Or make a living with…
So, I haven’t done them.

At least not where blogging and being online are concerned. Instead, I’ve waited, trying to figure out how to grow or make them bigger, so they could seem more useful and like worthwhile pursuits.

Now I realize how f*cking ass backwards that is.
Greatness often comes from small things.

Perhaps it’s been that fear of failure I’ve always harbored? Or rather, a fear of success. Funny, I don’t mind failing BIG because it seems like it’s worth the risk, effort and time then, but to waste it on tiny ideas instead…?

Well, when thinking like that means you don’t even try to run with the rest of your ideas, that you wind up just doing nothing with them… That doesn’t get you anywhere either.


When I became an evangelist and up through the creation of this website, I was supported mostly by people of faith. Oh, how hard it is to walk that line in today’s world… So, God forbid if I should reveal too much or insert a cuss word to help further illustrate a point or for added emphasis from time to time. Even after the publication of Kidnapped, I had a couple people contact and advise me that surely I could tell that story without the use of any profanity, because it was the ‘Christian’ thing to do. What…? Are you kidding me!? There is a time and place for everything and I will tell you that there is no way to rewrite certain things, to be able to take you there with me as a reader, then to voice it how I have. And you know what… That story brought more visits and touched more people than anything I’ve ever written. It was real and gut wrenching, memory after memory (actually, we scaled it back and left a lot out) but I spilled my guts for my readers, for other victims, for the world to read. It was the best move I ever made with this blog.

Yet, in the final edits of that story, I still cut out what I could and what one might find offensible basically, so I wouldn’t lose financial support. There are times when you have to do what you have to do to make it and that’s what I’ve done (to a certain extent.) But, I’m not willing to do it that way anymore. And btw, I’m not talking about having a lapse in judgement either for, one still needs to know when and where things might, or might not be, deemed appropriate; have boundaries; and continue to grow, change and improve oneself. BUT, your idea of what my best self is and mine may not be the same and we need to respect that in each other.

Don’t just find your voice… free it!

There are specific things that have been happening in my life, in our lives, that are forcing me to figure out and learn how to accept who I really am, and by that I mean ALL of me. My daughter said it best when she asked me the very same thing I’ve asked of others ~ “Why in the world would you want to belong to a church, congregation or religion that doesn’t accept you for who you are?” After all, isn’t that what I’ve always preached? Isn’t that the heart of evangelism, as I’ve told it… accepting people where they’re at? Well, touché dear one, because indeed it is!

I always feel a need to back this up by also stating that we’re still to discern and protect what God has given us, so that doesn’t mean we allow certain people or things into our lives either, or within our personal circles that are harmful or unhealthy. 

So, if you are that offended or think I’m going to hell because I might cuss, am divorced or go out for a drink… If this means I’m going to lose your follow, shares or support ~ Then while I don’t agree with it, I can understand and respect your decision. I will tell you without a doubt though that I am a Christian and a good person, but I am not perfect and God didn’t come here for those who think they are. I’m a damn good woman, articulate, intelligent, extremely creative when I’m not being stifled or overly stressed, and perhaps too empathetic at times. I cry a lot, laugh a lot, pray a lot and lately in life… Say fuck a lot. I’m one hot, beautiful mess who will give you the shirt off my back, but I won’t put up with shit. I will encourage, push and support you to make ALL your dreams come true, because we each deserve that. And if my honesty, loyalty, leadership and love aren’t enough of a good example for you, then please feel free to find that perfect mold somewhere else.

Born to stand out.

You know, I’ve spent my entire life trying to fit into someone else’s mold ~ Whether it be yours, or the world’s idea of what a ‘good’ Christian should look like, or whatever the government needed me to be in order to put someone’s ass in jail, or the self-imposed ‘perfect mother’ mold that ultimately we seem to fail miserably at regardless of all our good intentions…

But, I wasn’t created to fit into some mold, idea or perception of who YOU think I should be. That is what God’s gift to us, ‘the freedom of choice’ is all about. It’s about our uniqueness and harnessing all the beauty He made you to be. We are here to serve, to love, to give, to share, to embrace ourselves and each other where we’re at while always striving to become better.

I am... No matter what you say.“As leaders aren’t we to be good role models?” Absolutely! If all the ways in which I help others, give and volunteer aren’t enough to make me a good leader… If using my natural gifts to support, encourage and motivate others to reach their goals and achieve their dreams isn’t enough for you… If you can’t handle that I’m learning to embrace all that I am instead of being one of the hypocrites you see praying in the pew yet, giving you the finger in the parking lot on the way out just because you might have taken their spot or accidentally cut them off… Then feel free to follow someone else, because I’m not doing things your way anymore.

I’m going to start doing this how I’ve felt led to from the beginning… The same way I lead groups, because I’m always asked to stay longer, come back or offered jobs. Therefore, I must be doing something right… I’m doing things the way I evangelize, because it’s those very moral, values, beliefs, perspectives and concepts which allow me to have such an impact and awesome connection with people in the first place. You may not like my life’s experiences or may even choose to judge me because of them, but it’s only in the sharing of all those experiences that I’ve been able to help people to live better lives, makes changes and come to know God’s love the way it was meant to be. It’s literally the very way and reason churches were paying me to work for them and why businesses have invited me in… So why in the hell did I change my approach, or try to alter that gift, or water it down for you here? If I don’t continue to allow God to use all He’s given me, then what was the purpose of surviving it all? If I only keep it to myself, then it can’t become HIS story instead.

This is me!So, if you’re going to follow this blog or continue to, especially after we switch platforms… Then you have to know that you’re following one fucking awesome woman who has survived more than anyone should ever have to, so I have a lot to give! I’m extremely passionate about life and people ~ I will not judge you based upon religion, political beliefs or sexual orientation and ask the same of you ~ I’m as loyal and protective as they come ~ I absolutely love chocolate, salt and playing in the rain ~ Sometimes I kiss beautiful women ~ I’ve been known to put a few corrupt leaders in jail ~ I have a heart of gold, love animals and wish unicorns were real ~ I’ll kick you in the ass and tell you how it is, but never stop loving you ~ I’ve got a voice and know how to use it ~ I support the right to bear arms and some states might require these hands to be registered as lethal weapons ~ I’m a free spirit who smiles a lot… No, not enough… You can never smile enough! ~ My nickname has always been Miss Sunshine, but I’m more fond of Miss Jessie ~ Strong yet, vulnerable ~ I’m single and hate it, but still believe in Fairy Tale endings ~ Salsa, ballroom and belly dancing are my favorite ~ Loves country music ~ I’m a fierce advocate and great spokesperson who always wanted to try being an actress, but hated modeling ~ Confident yet, sometimes shy ~ Live Your Dreams! ~ Hates liver, sauerkraut and anything spicy (hot) ~ Seeks lots of adventure and tries new things ~ Outdoor Enthusiast and Water Baby ~ Movie Junkie ~ Thrives off consistency! ~ I hope to make you laugh, cry and do a little dance but as long I’ve stirred your emotions in some way then I’ll stick around here ~  Very detailed orientated, organized and a self-starter ~ I like to write… A LOT ~ Needs the sun every single day ~ Storm chaser ~ Wide heels only ~ Clothes can be fun, but a huge inconvenience ~ Don’t just find your voice… free it! ~ Life is too short not to be happy ~ I love praise & worship and going to church ~ A mother before ALL else ~ That thing you think you can’t do is the very thing you need to do ~ Playful and sassy, but deeper than you may like ~ Simply Complicated ~ Struggles for balance ~ I am woman, hear me roar, but desire great leadership as well ~ Persistent and Tenacious ~ Wonderfully and beautifully kinky yet, classy a hell ~ Hot stone massages ~ The human body is the most beautiful thing God ever created ~ If you’re not helping, you’re not living ~ Faith and Hope ~ Live, Laugh, Love ~ Want to team up? ~ How about a date? ~ I love taking pictures ~ Optimist meets Realist ~ Everyday intimacy ~ Entrepreneur ~ Anti-bullying in our churches too ~ Forgive, but don’t necessarily forget ~ Can’t we all just get along and be happy? ~ Wake up, pray, kick ass, REPEAT! ~ Travel, travel, and more travel!

But above all, I’m a Christian who loves God more than anything this life has to offer and if I have to alter who I am to gain your approval, acceptance or to fit your ideal image of what that is… Then I guess we won’t be friends. On the other hand, if you’d like some honest encouragement and inspiration to help you rise above it all… Or you’re just looking for a little support, whether it be a shoulder to cry on or a good kick in the ass… Then grab a cup of Jo and curl up with me once in a while for some heart-felt passionate soul food, because I’ve been known to spill my guts and write… just a little bit.

Update July 2017 ~ Sometimes, this article will grab someone’s attention right away because of it’s title, which was obviously the point. Although, if it’s the first time you’re visiting me here, please don’t judge my book by the chapter you walked in on either. This was a breaking point and time of struggling to find a balance of all that I do, with all that I am. You will not see postings quite like this throughout the rest of my blog, so please… Take a few moments to look around. Please visit my stories and my poems to learn more and may you find something of value here… If anything touches your heart or moves your soul, then you’ve come to the right place, and I look forward to connecting with you in some way. Christ Love Friends! ~Jessie Jeanine

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40 Comments on “When We Get It Ass Backwards”

  1. AprilEsutton Says:

    So nice to meet you. I enjoy good writing, and will enjoy learning more about you.


  2. oldpoet56 Says:

    Very good post ma’am, I enjoyed the read. I am not going to lie to you, I would prefer watching good movies and reading good literature like yours with out the occasional cursing. I do understand the influx at times, but then most things in life we can all tweak some upon time to time. I can’t say that I have never written pieces that I didn’t either tweak a lot or in some cases wad up and throw in the trash.


  3. Jessie Jeanine Says:

    NEED TO COMMENT ON MY OWN BLOG ~ This guys got it right and he’s not even a Pastor! One of the best articles I’ve read titled, “I’m Christian, unless you’re gay.” You can find it at: http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html


  4. Karen Van Benschoten Says:

    I too am a survivor, and a Christian, and I try my best to be a good Christian. I am still afraid to bare my soul on my blog, more than I already do, as my posts go onto Facebook and I have several relatives on Facebook. I fear their reactions to what I have to say. I bare my soul to my therapist, and then the bad words come out when I’m really angry. But that’s the way it is.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I suppose the older I get, the only things things I might really regret are those which I’ve left unsaid or undone, because when that happens, we’re not being true to ourselves and we’re never really free in Christ to become who He intended us to be. While it’s nice to have, I’m not here for anyone’s else’s approval but HIS. Once we gain this understanding for ourselves, the risk becomes more important than the fear, and we grow in strength and courage instead of shrinking in our alone-ness. Glad to have you aboard!


  5. daleydowning Says:

    Thank you for your honesty… We are not perfect, we can’t ever achieve that in this lifetime… We wouldn’t need a Savior if we were! Yeah, some of being fallen isn’t pretty… And, yes, there is something to be said for maintaining a high standard of politeness and decorum…after all, we are supposed to be an example to the world… But being honest about our flaws and our struggles and admitting we’re not perfect is very, very important, too. In fact, you probably will be able to reach more people (believers and non) by sharing that you have faith, but you mess up, rather than indicating you’ve got it all figured out and that you never lose it. The *only* person who ever fits that category is Jesus, period.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Well, right. That’s exactly my point. Many congregations are dying off, because of the hell-fire damnation preaching while acting so perfect within their walls, that new people are either intimidated thinking it’s a lost cause, or they just realize you’re full of shit.

      It’s true though… I can reach certain types of people that others can’t (it’s why churches were paying me to help bring others in and show congregations how to better accept newcomers) but the opposite is true as well. There are going to be extremely conservative Christians who will be able to reach people that I can’t, because I might offend them in some way. So, even though I don’t agree with most organized approaches, there is a time and place for everything :)


      • staffordbartholomew Says:

        Hi again Jessie and ya’ll. My way of doing business is not to use cuss words. For me, it offends my best friend who is closer than my brother(s). Yes, I have cussed, but I choose not to. I have worked in the Iron business where every-other-word-is an colorful medifore as Spock has said. Depending on the person, frequency of use, and meaning enhanced it has its use; but, plain and simple, I choose not to. I am a square stick in the mud but I have not gone through what you have. As my sister gave me a great starting point: be where your/my feet are. Witness to the person using what history one has been graced with by God and use Romans 3:23 – for all have fallen short of the glory of God. Me b’in chief sinner so my witness to a man on lightrail was spon on and he accepted it, by the grace of God. For me, my feet (smelly and hammer toed as they are), and past are all a part of me for the sharing. Grace on Jessie and be real! God love all of you! Bart


        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          Hi again Bart! You know, my daughter never heard a bad word come out of my mouth until she was like 9 or 10. I had grown up with such foul language that it was just a turn off. But then, I suppose life happens. As I began working with law enforcement, military and government officials, you can bet there were periods where I cussed like a sailor! But, it was never my natural ‘go to’ or anything. In fact, if I wasn’t around it, I wouldn’t do it. Then, I found something out with an abusive ex ~ that if I started cussing, he would finally leave me alone and it’s the only thing that worked. So, in relationships, anytime someone tried to back me into a corner for those reasons, the creative tongue became a mighty sword of protection. Granted, I’ve since learned how to wield it in a different direction and achieve the same results, but life still happens…

          It’s not like I’d ever walk into a church and start cussing or anything ~ Like I said, we need to be respectful, and there’s a time and place for everything. But, I can’t live under the suffocating and fearful condemnation anymore that I might be going to hell just because I’ve said a bad word, will question a preacher in the pulpit, or got divorced. I’m sure God doesn’t like those things, nor are they pleasing to Him ~ The same as being a parent for, most of us don’t like hearing our own children cuss either ~ But, these things are NOT SINS and no one’s going to burn in hell for stuff like this. And if my being able to relate to someone else on a different level helps them see Christ for the first time, then as long as I’m not joining the ranks of SIN or what is sinful, then I’m going to do it. We’re all different, each having different gifts in which to help others. My gift seems to be this incredible ability to relate and connect with people from ALL walks of life, so it’s something I’ve learned to use for the greater good in all the ways that I can. What is right for me, may not be right for you though, so… “You go Bart! Don’t be afraid to be yourself either, because that is your testimony, which has the power to reach people that maybe others can’t.” BE BLESSED EVERYONE!


      • daleydowning Says:

        Yes, there has definitely been too big a problem with Christians wanting to seem perfect, and it totally backfires in the world. I think it backfires a lot in the Church, too, because too many new believers end up backsliding because they feel they can never measure up.

        In my opinion, a lot of the “traditional approaches” of the past few decades need to be seriously re-evaluated, too. There need to be ways to reach all types of audiences without becoming stale or stagnant. Not just for newcomers, but for those of us who have been believers for 10, 20, 30 years…so we keep growing and learning.


        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          ABSOLUTELY AGREED! So many people are afraid of change, but time does that… It changes things, people change, generations change, the world changes and we have a responsibility to change with it. Do we not think God knew this from the beginning and that He’s already equipped us for such things? We can do this people! But it takes swallowing our pride and getting over our fears. While there is something to be said for consistency, growth can’t happen without change, so it becomes imperative that we learn how to embrace it instead. It’s the core which remains the same, but our approach needs to change and grow with the world in order to keep reaching people.


          • daleydowning Says:

            Quite. Well said. I completely agree. The new generation coming up in the Church now (the “millenials”) are living in a world different to our parents’ generation, and even our generation. We need to remain relevant to the world, especially in times of great strife and/or confusion, like now. Jesus said we would take His message and His love everywhere, not just where (and how) we felt comfortable.


  6. kindredspirit23 Says:

    Probably, the most passionate truthful post I have ever read, including mine, I think! Finally, someone who totally agrees with me. I used to be Christian – still believe deeply in God and His love, but don’t go for the religious things and people and places. It is each person’s responsibility to be who they are. I love that in people and try to never judge. I just be me and try to keep me out of trouble – seems to be enough to keep me busy!
    Thanks I have written my post for today. I will repost this (or provide link) to this one for tomorrow.


  7. jsackmom Says:

    I loved everything about your post. I’m honest, believe in God, practice my faith and curse like a trucker. Quite juxtaposition in life but I love me, all of me. I think you and I will get along famously. 😊


  8. CC Says:

    I love this so much! I left organized religion years ago, but I absolutely love this and you…yes kick ass and repeat..and say fuck a lot..and who says you can’t love God and pray while doing it. I just absolutely love you. -CC


  9. Deb Says:

    I am not a religious person now. But I have been before and have had to deal with this kind of judgement in the society. The beauty of living life fully is to be able to live your life the best way you can, do your best as you uphold what you believe in, and not try to fit into some mould that society has of you. And I am yet to understand why people would want you to change what you put on your blog so as to make themselves comfortable. It makes no sense.
    I say,go ahead and be you. Those who stick around are the ones you want on your side in the first place.


  10. Opinionated Man Says:

    Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    You get those emails too? I am glad I am not the only one that gets taken to task for my language lmao! Aren’t we all grownups? -OM
    Note: Comments disabled here. Please visit their blog.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thanks SO much for the re-post OM! We can’t cater to everyone, right… Or perhaps, we should cater to no one (I can just hear you now, lol!) Btw, will be following suit to switch platforms soon – nice job!


  11. stafford bartholomew Says:

    I am the quiet one, wall thorn (since I am male), speak softly yet deeply, and cary a big stick, stutter on words that start with a vowel (or around beautiful women)(stuttering when doing math screws up my math all the time :-) Yet during your great post Miss Jessie this verse came to mind:
    Proverbs 25:2
    “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.”

    Is not the same with a beautiful woman. The inner hidden things are worth searching out, waiting for, being honored when she shares it with me, because she shared it with me, and most likely only me. Beautiful Indeed! The saying from the Little Prince is also appropriate, … wait for it….., Ok, just where is it, … (the barking spider, with bad breath took it) :-w It is with the heart that the eye see’s clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye… (close to how it is worded)

    God bless you Miss Jessie J. Keep up the writing from the heart and moving people!



    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Little Prince said, “It is only with the heart that one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Yep, you got it my friend :) I tried to attach a cute pic here with the quote for you, but I guess that’s not possible in the comments section. Thank you for all your encouragement Bart and many blessings to you as well!


  12. akateacher Says:

    Thank you for being you…..and not ashamed to do so! We run into some very similar limitations put on us by well meaning Christians, because our message is different than the norm. They don’t realize that by shutting it down because it’s not typical, they are missing out on so much more. Looking forward to hearing so much more from you!


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Yes, our message as Christians is not the norm, but we aren’t going to be heard if we aren’t actually demonstrating God’s love through our actions as well. And just because we might not support certain things, that doesn’t mean we should shun people just because they sin differently then we do either ~ We are to hate the sin, not the sinner (although, I’ve never liked how that expression comes across either.) It’s the same concept as being a parent… We aren’t always going to agree on whats right or wrong and I may not always approve of your decisions, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop loving you. Now, there is such a thing as righteous anger (even Jesus turned over tables) so I still believe there’s a time and place to shut certain things down too, especially if they’re impacting our lives in a negative or unhealthy way, but beyond that… God is the only one who knows a person’s heart, so it’s not our place to judge. We are to be messengers and love like Jesus loved when He came… I firmly believe that is how you win hearts ~ by accepting people where they’re at.

      I also belonged to a particular denomination before that didn’t believe in using outside sources as a way to deliver the Word. Meaning, they didn’t believe in trying to draw people in with activities or things like music, art, photography, dance, etc. and God forbid if the building should be pretty or attractive in any way even. For example, they were strictly acapella and didn’t use musical instruments during praise and worship. That’s great and all, but I think their reasons were backwards… Why would God give us all these different means (gifts, talents, tools) in which to reach different types of people in so many different ways if He didn’t want us to use them? I tell you what, if holding a concert or finding some way to meet the communities needs gets you in the door to hear the good Word and plant a seed then I’m ALL for it, because you never know what’s going to bring someone to Christ!

      Learning how to utilize what He’s given us is much different than being shallow or materialistic and doesn’t mean a person’s there for the wrong reasons. Or maybe a person does come only for the ‘benefits’ but if you believe God is the miracle worker you preach Him to be, then you should trust that He can change a person’s heart too while they’re there, so that maybe by the time the person leaves, they realize they got more than they thought they were coming for. I mean, how cool is that!? I think we’re to do our part by helping others find an open door, but then we need to let God do His part. So, if I choose to cuss because I think it’ll help drive a point home and make me more relatible to a particular group and therefore, heard by someone I’m trying to reach, then I’m not afraid to do that either. It doesn’t mean I’ve fallen, going to burn in hell or have become sinful in hopes of reaching sin. The best example I’ve seen of this usually happens while speaking with trouble teens in lock down facilities (or doing prison ministry) ~ You should have seen the look on on of the other evangelist’s faces when I said a cuss word while speaking with these kids, but that was one way in which they could relate and I knew it, because I came from the same place they were. It allowed them to see me as being much like them (or that I was) and that I didn’t think of myself as perfect or holier than thou, which they’d never listen to in a million years, because it’s unrealistic and unattainable. So overall, while I think the intentions of believers are mostly good, certain aspects of religion and man imposed rules can make us become so fearful that we limit ourselves where God never would ~ It’s sad and frustrating to think of how many souls who may be lost, because of this.

      Well, perhaps I should’ve of just started a new post, lol! Certainly didn’t mean to get so swept away, but this issue has been pressing on my heart for years and it’s what the churches I used to represent found so refreshing, so it’s time I use this platform in the same way as when I speak. Thank you SO much for your comment, support and encouragement my friend; and I look forward to sharing more thoughts with you as well (I’ll try not to respond by writing an entire chapter next time!) :)


  13. Will Of Heart Says:

    I always admire people who can talked and heard their voices no matter or whatever consequences or situations it may bring as long as they stand to those things they believe in. I love the empowerment, truthfulness and inspiration brought to me by this post.


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thanks for putting a huge smile on my face this morning and I appreciate the encouragement your comment has given me as well! I’ve never had a problem being outspoken regarding victims rights and in other areas of my life, but it’s about time I do it ALL the way across the board… Hope to see you again soon!


  14. nananettie1969 Says:

    From a woman just finding my voice at 47 I really enjoyed this post. Thank you for sharing you thoughts in such a raw manner that may piss some people off……I don’t know much about God but I do know this for what I understand in your faith (don’t want to do a religious debate or nothing) God is the only one that can judge you. I find if you state or write about what you truly believe and make it from the depths of your soul then you are doing a good job because I can guarantee you this…..People like me will hear your message and be touched by it! I believe that is the most important job of all to help others on their lives journey. Good job! Thank you so much…..Annette


    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I’m just as touched by your comment in return, so thank you! And that was my point exactly… That even as believers, we are not called to judge. That isn’t our job and it’s no wonder so many people don’t want to come to church or know who God is. Of course, I hope not to lose any followers, but at the same time, I’m not afraid of pissing anyone off either if it’s the truth. I’ve been told that’s what makes me an effective speaker, so I shouldn’t be afraid to write it like I see it either. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment Annette!


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