I Am No More

February 25, 2016

Every Reason To Hate

I have been so wrong about so many things…
Wrong to sacrifice all that I am and all that I have
Wrong to think any of it mattered
Any of this mattered
For you, for anyone
Or that I mattered.

Of everything I have survived
I cannot survive this.
I don’t want to.
Man wins after all.
Man is so fucking evil
And I give up.

There is no more hope.
Without hope…
There is nothing
I have nothing.
I am nothing
There is nothing else I want.
This world is not my home.
There is nothing left for me here.

To think I survived for a reason…
That I could make a difference
That I could help someone else
That somehow, I was special.

But I am done.
I am no more.

 

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Subscribe & Socialize

FEED YOUR SOUL ~ FOLLOW ME HERE!

69 Comments on “I Am No More”

  1. writingandalcohol Says:

    Yes we are special and we survive for a reason! You have a great way with your poetry and words. Happy to find you here :)

    Reply

  2. unwrittentruth Says:

    My heart breaks to hear this. I’m sorry to hear it, but even in it’s sorrow i think it reveals two truths strongly. And I only say these as I reflect in my own experience. I want to thank you for writing a post that did trigger such thoughts. One is the importance of hope; I got through everything I have by believing it is ok if I have nothing to joy for today, and it’s okay if i’m not okay, as long as I remember and believe that I will have joy and be okay in the future. It’s gotten me through a lot. And number two, I think it reveals that you are loving truly. Only in opening your heart can you love. So, in hurting so much, it reveals you still are capable of such love. Best wishes and prayers for you, Unwritten truth

    Reply

  3. oldpoet56 Says:

    Ma’am, I hope this poem, which is a good one, is not how you are really feeling for it is a song to the extremely suicidal depressed. Contact me if you wish, I will try to cheer you up if I can. This world is not my home or anyone else’s as far as being part of the daily evil. I try to keep the love of Jesus at the center of my heart, mid, and soul. Things of this life mean very little.

    ted

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you Ted and yes, it is how I was feeling, but thankfully God’s already shown me why and I’m working on it. So, while I absolutely don’t like any of it at the moment, I’m grateful. Blessings!

      Reply

  4. Victor Uyanwanne Says:

    When all hope is gone
    And no help is near
    To God you are still ‘dear’

    When the light is out
    And all you see is darkness
    Forget not God’s goodness

    When no one understands
    Which makes you feel so mad
    Remember things are not so bad

    When it seems no one cares
    Because of troubles without end
    Remember God is still your friend

    Reply

  5. smilecalm Says:

    may one calm, relaxed breath
    bring awareness to a condition of happiness
    such as seeing beauty offered by nature,
    so that hope arises that this beauty
    continues on into the future.

    Reply

  6. Anthony Baker Says:

    One more thing…What perfect timing! I really hope you get to watch that music video on my last post. I fixed it. And man oh man is it a word for you :-)

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Yes, my friend… I got to watch it… and read your comment…. and haven’t been able to stop crying again. Just trying to absorb it all, but will reply. I’d sure like to hear you preach sometime – can I find anything online?

      Reply

      • Anthony Baker Says:

        Yes. As a matter of fact I did have a page on my blog entitled “Sermon Archive,” but I pulled it down on a day I was feeling sorry for myself and depressed. Ironic, huh? Because of your request I will put it back up. Just keep in mind I’m a Tennessean ;-)

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          OK… and please feel free to contact me anytime too if you like instead. You certainly don’t need to put a whole new page back up unless you really want to. And another irony… if I would’ve accepted your invite to write for Proverbial Thought back when we both started blogging, at least I would have kept my head in the scriptures!

          Reply

          • Anthony Baker Says:

            Yes, ironic. But I did put the page back up. If not you, maybe someone somewhere will find them beneficial. A small-church preacher reaching the world…unthinkable not that long ago.

            Reply

            • Jessie Jeanine Says:

              Already listening Anthony, thank you, and I’d encourage you to never take them down again. As you’ve basically said… They’re not for you anyways :)
              (Something that I apparently need to remember as well, because I don’t know where else that came from other than the Spirit!)

              Reply

  7. Anthony Baker Says:

    Wow, Jessie. It’s nearly midnight and I’m still up trying to gather my thoughts for Sunday morning. I read the poem and wondered to myself, “Is this what it looks like?” Jessie, I can’t publically write what I’ve nearly done, and not that long ago. All I can say is that I’ve felt that hopelessness, even as a “pillar of the community.” You have been through so much, much more than most of us can understand. Who are we to judge? But, hopelessness is hopelessness, and without hope we have nothing, right? Yet, what I’ve found is that hopelessness is a lie, and it’s only when I start to believe it – out of worry, self-pity, anger, etc. – that it starts to take hold. It’s the most insidious tool of the enemy of our souls.

    Therefore, I sing to myself my most favorite song of all time…”My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand…” All other foundations will fail us. None will provide a solid foundation in the storms or earthquakes of life. Jesus is my only hope. I will trust Him, no matter what. Even when the temptation is strong to end it all, I hear His voice whisper in my ear, “You know I love you. Why won’t you trust me?”

    I know I’m not the only one who will be interceding for you. May God shower his grace upon you.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      “But, hopelessness is hopelessness, and without hope we have nothing, right? Yet, what I’ve found is that hopelessness is a lie, and it’s only when I start to believe it – out of worry, self-pity, anger, etc. – that it starts to take hold.” I clung to those words and one of your sermons through out the night Anthony… I’m not sure that I’ve ever related so completely(?) to a story, as I do in hearing you speak about Moses and it was surprising. The book of Job has been the one for which I’ve mostly stood on. Thank you for sharing so much with us!

      Reply

  8. mihrank Says:

    I have no words – this is such delicate, touching, emotional and brings memories:)

    Reply

  9. Wendell A. Brown Says:

    Jessie I read your poem and it touched me deeply. As I read the comments I know you feel the genuine selfless love from many of your sisters and brothers! The Lord allows us in life to have many to help lift us especially in our low times, and inspire us more in our lives each day. That is a constant blessing which always stays with us all our lives. He is always there with us and others whom His love indwells Here is a poem I wrote long ago, which reminded me of what I felt from your poem. Know dear sister you are loved! May your weekend be abundantly blessed!

    Fill Me

    My heart swells up deep within me,
    As my many tears begin to fall.
    My heart reaches out to feel You,
    To feel the wonders of Your love.

    I move forward to the One voice
    That only my heart does know.
    I now reach to embrace Your fire
    So I may bathe in its warm glow.

    And even though I need You badly
    To fill all aspects of my life each day.
    I feel so unworthy of such a blessing
    Being a sinner born in so many ways

    So promise me as I reach out to You,
    That You will embrace my love so tight.
    Filling my heart with a burning desire,
    And Your promised grace within my life.

    Wendell A. Brown,
    (1976)

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      My dear, dear friend… thank you so much. You’re support has always meant a great deal to me and I’m ecstatic that you were finally able to get through to leave a comment again ~ Miss sharing with you around here :) I’ll be in touch soon!

      Reply

  10. joseph elon lillie Says:

    I am praying for you today Jessie. You still have hope but perhaps you are finding that what your hope was tied to was not so strong. May God strengthen you until what has been broken is healed and until what has died is resurrected in newness if life.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you Joseph… prayers are very much needed and appreciated, especially for my family.

      “You still have hope but perhaps you are finding that what your hope was tied to was not so strong.” Well, this kind of hit me hard, but true… you’re correct and it’s helped me realize how misplaced somethings have been.

      Reply

      • joseph elon lillie Says:

        I have continued to pray. May God strengthen and bless you. I was glad to see you got back to church.

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          Thank you Joseph, your prayers are greatly appreciated. I didn’t expect going back to be such a struggle, but it doesn’t matter… It’s time to plow through all the feelings and just get it done. I’ve stayed away cause I have this heaping messy pile of junk to sort through again, but I forgot that we don’t have to have it all sorted and figured out before we go. He knows exactly what to do with it if we’ll just bring everything to Him and lay it at His feet (or in some cases, just dump it!) The real trick seems to be in our willingness to leave it all at the alter afterwards!

          Reply

  11. poeticjourney Says:

    Bless your heart sweetie, I feel your pain and so know where you coming from… God Bless U

    Reply

  12. CC Says:

    When you go through trauma, I feel like it is going through a war. Even after it is over, even after they tried to break you…you are battle fatigued. You get weary. You still have shrapnel buried within you that keeps surfacing and you have to pull it out..it rips your flesh..creates fresh wounds..you think there can’t possibly be any left..but more surfaces..and you have to remove it….
    To me, at least, that is what it feels like..among other things. Making you feel broken, hopeless…like you just can’t stand the thought of any more flesh being ripped, when you already went through it.
    I spent years of my life trying to save children in foster care as a social worker, children and families working in mental health, before I started recovering my memories…before my breakdown…
    Then I realized I was not worth anything to anyone..me, my children..until I was worth something to me…
    I am still working on that..because they break you of that, too.
    Sending my love…xx -CC

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Agreed CC… It’s like, there’s only so much that can be torn away – then what? Once it’s all gone, there’s nothing left. It leads to death (or that’s what it feels like anyways.) Even though I don’t want to survive this or even think that I can, I realized a couple of days ago that if I don’t do something, if I don’t find something that’s much stronger than me to grab onto again, then I’m not going to make it. And I suppose I have been here before but all those times, I wanted to make it because I had a reason, but once you feel like you don’t have a reason or can’t find one anyone – then that all changes. Then what the hell do you do? So our reason and purpose has to be in something much greater and bigger than ourselves, or anyone, or anything that this world world has to offer ~ it has to be in something that’s always there, steadfast, and sure for eternity (sorry, preaching to myself more than anything!)

      “Then I realized I was not worth anything to anyone… me, my children…
      until I was worth something to me…
      I am still working on that.. because they break you of that, too.”

      I know this too my friend… And recovering memories is a tough one. I’m here for you too CC and love hearing from you. Hugs beautiful! ❤

      Reply

  13. secretangel Says:

    Jessie, I just want you to know that your blog was one of the first blogs that I started following when I started blogging. You and your story of overcoming is an inspiration to all of us. Yes, we go through trials in this life with pain and suffering, but it is in our desperation that we cry out to God in brokenness… and He brings new levels of faith with healing and restoration. He wants us to trust Him as we cast all our cares to Him… and sometimes the burdens are too heavy to cast so we just have to lay them down in faith. I pray that God will bring you the Peace that you need as you lay all the pieces of your life down at His feet. Yes, we get broken… again and again… but we don’t have to stay broken. He is the Glue that puts us back together again. I pray that this storm in your life will pass and that you will feel a Peace that surpasses all understanding. Please email me if you need to talk. Praying for you!

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      You and I started blogging about the same time and I was so excited to come across your stuff, because of your amazing ability to write poetry regarding abuse. It’s a tough thing to do, but you do an incredible job, and have always been one of my favorite poets.

      “…sometimes the burdens are too heavy to cast so we just have to lay them down in faith…” That really resonates with me. It reminds me of how fearful I am that if I can’t “do” something I think He wants (cast = action) then He won’t help me. Sounds like my everyday life too ~ No wonder I’m so damn tired! It’s horrible to live a life around people who always make you feel like you have to ‘prove’ or ‘earn’ something, especially their love. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.

      “…WE DON’T HAVE TO STAY BROKEN…” (sigh…)

      And thank you for giving me yet another song to hold on to my friend. Actually, this one wants to rip my heart out and it took quite a few times, before I could even listen to it all the way through. It’s another favorite now though, so thank you. Many warm hugs dear!

      Reply

      • secretangel Says:

        Hi Jessie! God speaks to us through many ways and brings healing and restoration when we are not even aware. With each time that you listened to it, God was opening wounds to bring healing. You see, many of us have wounds that have been bandaged over but never totally healed. The bandages have to come off and the wounds re-exposed for them to heal from the inside out. God wants to heal all of us so we can walk in the fullness of his plan for our lives. We are just still a “work in progress.” Praying for you, my sister!

        Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I can’t even remember how you led me to this first song either (this weeks a bit of a blur) but I swear it helped saved my life this week, so thank you my friend. It needs to be shared here too!

      Reply

  14. staffordbartholomew Says:

    Jessie, you are loved much by all these comments! As do I. Your life is precious! King David after all his family and stuff was taken, strengthen himself in God’s promises and went forth. I see him pulling up his pants up to his armpits and going on. I have two ears also for listening. God Bless you Jessie.
    Bart

    Reply

  15. Susan Irene Fox Says:

    Jessie, this is a moment in time. You can’t see it now through the fog of the pain, but please allow me to remind you, ““This is why I will continue to write. It is so you might know that you are not alone. You are never alone. Not just to ‘get through it’ but to learn how to thrive and excel because of it.” <3

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      How come I feel so foolish for writing such things… for trying to make people believe it…

      Reply

      • Susan Irene Fox Says:

        Jessie, we all have days when it’s difficult to see the light. Right now, you’re under enemy attack. He’s playing with your head. It’s precisely because you’ve been reaching people, because you’ve been a warrior for God that the attack is so strong. If you weren’t making a difference, he wouldn’t bother with you.

        Give yourself time to have a good cry, then lift it all up to the One who will fight for you, who will take your burdens and give you peace. Nothing else matters but your relationship with Him. And He loves you right where you are; always will. So let Him restore your soul, sweet girl. And keep breathing.

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          I absolutely do notice that! As soon as things start to get good and are looking up, evil rushes in attempting to steal, kill and destroy. I’ve watched this happen over and over in life and it’s so TRUE! It’s just so incredibly sad when he succeeds though on any level.

          “Nothing else matters but your relationship with Him.” It seems I have forgotten this…
          Struggling to remember, but trying, so thank you for the reminder my friend.

          Reply

  16. Nitin Says:

    Hope is like the morning sun. It doesn’t matter how dark a night is, or how long the winter is, the sun always comes around. All the best.

    Reply

  17. +2 Says:

    Praying for you, my friend! Here’s a post from a few years ago that I thought might speak to you today. http://wp.me/p1a6DO-q5

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you Brian. I’m not sure I ever heard that song before – I liked it. Found a bunch more music on you tube from another blogger last night – haven’t had music in my life for a long time and it’s a big part of who I am. Check out “Meredith Andrews – Pieces.” I got all her stuff off Amazon Prime that I could – she speaks to me so much right now. And “Lauren Daigle – Trust In You”

      Reply

      • +2 Says:

        I’ll do that, Jessie, thanks for the heads up! Glad you liked the song in the blog post…it was a fav of mine for quite awhile. Good stuff. Music has been healing for me at so many times and I listen to it a lot. Check out NRT Radio online sometime. They have several different live feeds, with different types of positive music on there 24/7.

        Reply

  18. Karen Van Benschoten Says:

    Very nice. Stirs up some of the things I have lurking around in the dark corners of my head.

    Reply

  19. April Says:

    I have been here so many times. You are inspiring to me and that is a purpose. Reach out some more, even if you don’t see the point. You can contact me as well…I will listen. Don’t give in!

    Reply

  20. Judy Says:

    This post has me worried. Are you okay, Jessie? Hope is everything – and this is too sad for me to bear. Tell you you’re not done!

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      It’s sadness I can’t bear either… agony I never thought I’d experience.

      Reply

      • Judy Says:

        Jessie, please don’t give up hope. Whatever agony you are going through – I am praying that it is temporary. You will come through. I am here for you. Please know you can write to me at anytime. I’ve been in dark places in my life. You are very valuable and have a lot to offer. But right now, I pray you will be okay.

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          You have to want to get through it… to have a reason to hope… a purpose… I don’t know what mine is anymore.

          Your blog… your stories… I was going to comment, but all I could come up with through even more tears was “Omg…” Your music is beautiful Judy.

          Reply

  21. Kira Says:

    Have been reading my mind tonight?

    Reply

  22. Alvernon Says:

    You did survive for a reason! You do make a difference! You inspire those you don’t even know to continue! That makes you special! You’re special to me if for no one else!

    Reply

  23. akateacher Says:

    Your words are beautifully put, and are so familiar to a life I lived in a not so distant past. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply

  24. Rick Stassi Says:

    “I am a Christian, a survivor of abuse, and a voice for the victims. A poet, author, speaker, and photographer. This is my story…” JJ

    Don’t forget your testimony. Your relationship with God is still first. He will never forget you and never stop loving you.

    Reply

  25. Laine Anne Jensen Says:

    I can’t ‘like’ this. I do understand a few things. I left my work in the social services once because I saw so much evil. It wore me down and tore me to pieces, but here I am. I hope you will stay too.

    Reply

  26. Michael Summers Says:

    Never, never give up trying to restore hope in others or yourself. A moving and unsettling post that if it expresses where you are now, will be followed by your writing of renewed goals, faith, and energy.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      This is where I’m at now… If you lose your purpose, you lose your hope… God’s trying to work on my heart and I hate it. I don’t even want to make it through this. I have to have a reason to continue and I can’t find it… I can’t imagine… I don’t understand this. I am broken.

      Reply

      • Michael Summers Says:

        I don’t know why you feel this way but I don’t question the horror of feeling broken and seeing no possibility of repair. I can only say that on two occasions when I felt that way (and they were not minor losses), events soon followed that opened new doors I had not noticed. My prayer for you is the prayer of Romans 15:13, together with the desire that you also will discover the purpose that God has for you.

        Reply

        • Jessie Jeanine Says:

          Rom 15:13 And may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you Michael. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve opened my bible… And to think I used to study for like 2-4 hours a day…

          Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. GOD IS STILL YOUR FRIEND | Victors' Corner - March 4, 2016

    […] P.S. This poem was inspired after reading Jessie Jeanine’s I Am No More […]

  2. Got My Ass Back in Church! | Jessie Jeanine - February 29, 2016

    […] Even as I write this to you now, I realize my last post was a poem called “I Am No More.” […]

Share Your Thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: