So, I finally got my ass back to church yesterday. I didn’t even get into the front door and someone stopped me to pray. Needless to say, my first stop was the little girls room so I could cry like a baby. I took it as a sign to ‘stay put’ though, because have you ever gone into a church where no one even notices you’re there, or that you might be new, or even acknowledges your presence? Ya, that sucks. Not the kind of place I want to belong. And now worries, I’m not going back to any extremes, but I must admit… Life is so much better and I’m a better person when I go.
Moving forward… One foot in front of the other.
So, I sit there… way over there in the furthest, darkest corner of the auditorium, so as not to be noticed. Be strong. Try to blend in. Stand up when everybody else does. But then the music starts. Damn worship music anyways… My knees buckle, the flood gates open and I focus hard to remain silent, as I apparently attempt to drown myself in tears.
A gentle hand rests upon my shoulder. Then a hug ~ one of God’s life preservers. Then a question… “Would you like to talk?” I didn’t, because I needed to hear the sermon… But I did, because I needed someone besides the ‘Almighty King’ to validate my feelings in some way or on some level, about any of it. I just needed something!
Last weekend was a pivotal point in our lives for a few reasons. The after math left me empty and hopeless, searching for logical explanations to irrational decisions, and questioning my very existence. At first, I couldn’t bear the pain, but thankfully survival mode kicked in and I went numb instead – not even feeling empty… just void of nothingness. I couldn’t even go through the motions.
Then, this weekend… More devastating news to deal with. Always, always, always… Just when you think you can’t possibly handle anymore… “Have another dose!” Satan says with a grin, while God allows you to be shit kicked once more.
This time, I got pissed at God. I suppose it’s good to finally feel something again though. I didn’t realize that I had only been fighting battles up to this point… Now it’s time for war.
My ass went back to church… Finally. Everything in me wanted to run, but my Spirit knows that’s where I need to be. I forced myself to listen ~ to stay. I felt anger and perhaps contempt, as those around me praised God for all His goodness and mercy.
Wow… How and when did I slip so far away from Him?
Something had clicked the night before and I was blessed by hearing a sermon of Brother Anthony’s called, “Who Am I?” Then Sunday morning from the stage came praise and prayer concerning “I Am.” And while sharing with this wonderful woman who reached out to me, she also prayed about “Who am I.” I told her how it was hitting me from every direction and how mid-week, even though I can’t explain it, I suddenly started writing my book with a vengeance in the midst of all the turmoil, and everything seemed to be surrounding this theme of “I Am” (meaning, what is my ‘purpose’ and ‘self love’ in Christ.)
Even as I write this to you now, I realize my last post was a poem called “I Am No More.”
I also shared how I was pissed at God for not allowing me just a couple more days to wallow in my self-pity at the beginning of the week before things started taking shape too. Wow ~ I was in the worse pain of my life and I wanted Him to know it! We chuckled a bit over that one, and I felt some relief for not being kicked out of a church after the number of times I said, “I’m so pissed at God!” The real kicker might be that I don’t even understand why yet.
I also heard my favorite verse from the stage that morning ~ Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the PLANS I have for YOU,”
DECLARES the LORD,
“Plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you.
Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.”
I’m not all better yet, everything’s been turned upside down and is shifting and changing in dramatic ways, don’t know where it’s all going to lead or end. But, I’m still here.
Dammit all to hell… I’m still here.
I wouldn’t have made it without the support and encouragement from all of you either. Trying to keep up between the emails and comments has really helped keep my mind busy through most of it, so thank you! And since I’ve become aware of certain things, I’m being careful that I don’t just replace being ‘responsible for my daughter’ with being ‘responsible for you.’ You’re helping me learn how to keep my eyes on myself and Christ now instead ~ For, my value and self worth can’t come from anywhere or anyone else ~ I’m finally understanding what that really means now, so even though I’m still kicking and screaming a bit, thank you. Please keep talking and sharing with me! I especially thank you for all your prayers, because sometimes we can’t even pray for ourselves.
And for the two special guys I’ve known in life who helped me get through those first couple of nights… Words are not enough. I trust you with my life.
Of course, it usually gets worse before it gets better too, so… All I can say for the moment is,
“If you want to find me
My ass will be in church!”