Got My Ass Back in Church!

February 29, 2016

Articles, Inspiration, Soul Seeds

So, I finally got my ass back to church yesterday. I didn’t even get into the front door and someone stopped me to pray. Needless to say, my first stop was the little girls room so I could cry like a baby. I took it as a sign to ‘stay put’ though, because have you ever gone into a church where no one even notices you’re there, or that you might be new, or even acknowledges your presence? Ya, that sucks. Not the kind of place I want to belong. And now worries, I’m not going back to any extremes, but I must admit… Life is so much better and I’m a better person when I go.

Moving forward… One foot in front of the other.

So, I sit there… way over there in the furthest, darkest corner of the auditorium, so as not to be noticed. Be strong. Try to blend in. Stand up when everybody else does. But then the music starts. Damn worship music anyways… My knees buckle, the flood gates open and I focus hard to remain silent, as I apparently attempt to drown myself in tears.

A gentle hand rests upon my shoulder. Then a hug ~ one of God’s life preservers. Then a question… “Would you like to talk?”  I didn’t, because I needed to hear the sermon… But I did, because I needed someone besides the ‘Almighty King’ to validate my feelings in some way or on some level, about any of it. I just needed something! 

life preserver

Rewind…

Last weekend was a pivotal point in our lives for a few reasons. The after math left me empty and hopeless, searching for logical explanations to irrational decisions, and questioning my very existence. At first, I couldn’t bear the pain, but thankfully survival mode kicked in and I went numb instead – not even feeling empty…  just void of nothingness. I couldn’t even go through the motions.

Then, this weekend… More devastating news to deal with. Always, always, always… Just when you think you can’t possibly handle anymore… “Have another dose!” Satan says with a grin, while God allows you to be shit kicked once more.

This time, I got pissed at God. I suppose it’s good to finally feel something again though. I didn’t realize that I had only been fighting battles up to this point… Now it’s time for war.

time for war

My Reaction

My ass went back to church… Finally. Everything in me wanted to run, but my Spirit knows that’s where I need to be. I forced myself to listen ~ to stay. I felt anger and perhaps contempt, as those around me praised God for all His goodness and mercy. 

Wow… How and when did I slip so far away from Him?

Something had clicked the night before and I was blessed by hearing a sermon of Brother Anthony’s called, “Who Am I?” Then Sunday morning from the stage came praise and prayer concerning “I Am.” And while sharing with this wonderful woman who reached out to me, she also prayed about “Who am I.” I told her how it was hitting me from every direction and how mid-week, even though I can’t explain it, I suddenly started writing my book with a vengeance in the midst of all the turmoil, and everything seemed to be surrounding this theme of “I Am” (meaning, what is my ‘purpose’ and ‘self love’ in Christ.) 

Even as I write this to you now, I realize my last post was a poem called “I Am No More.”

who_i_am_in_christ

I also shared how I was pissed at God for not allowing me just a couple more days to wallow in my self-pity at the beginning of the week before things started taking shape too. Wow ~ I was in the worse pain of my life and I wanted Him to know it! We chuckled a bit over that one, and I felt some relief for not being kicked out of a church after the number of times I said, “I’m so pissed at God!” The real kicker might be that I don’t even understand why yet.

I also heard my favorite verse from the stage that morning ~ Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the PLANS I have for YOU,”
DECLARES the LORD,
“Plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you.
Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.”

I’m not all better yet, everything’s been turned upside down and is shifting and changing in dramatic ways, don’t know where it’s all going to lead or end. But, I’m still here.
Dammit all to hell… I’m still here. 

I wouldn’t have made it without the support and encouragement from all of you either. Trying to keep up between the emails and comments has really helped keep my mind busy through most of it, so thank you! And since I’ve become aware of certain things, I’m being careful that I don’t just replace being ‘responsible for my daughter’ with being ‘responsible for you.’ You’re helping me learn how to keep my eyes on myself and Christ now instead ~ For, my value and self worth can’t come from anywhere or anyone else ~ I’m finally understanding what that really means now, so even though I’m still kicking and screaming a bit, thank you. Please keep talking and sharing with me! I especially thank you for all your prayers, because sometimes we can’t even pray for ourselves.

Therefore-Encourage-One-Another

And for the two special guys I’ve known in life who helped me get through those first couple of nights… Words are not enough. I trust you with my life.

Of course, it usually gets worse before it gets better too, so… All I can say for the moment is,

“If you want to find me
My ass will be in church!”

 

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28 Comments on “Got My Ass Back in Church!”

  1. Mary Says:

    Thank you for being real and transparent with us. I thank God for His faithfulness and while I so depend on Him, I thank Him when He sends others to me in the flesh.

    Reply

  2. oldpoet56 Says:

    Reblogged this on Truth Troubles: Why people hate the truths' of the real world and commented:
    Great article, I hope that you enjoy her writing also.

    Reply

  3. Victor Uyanwanne Says:

    Jessie, God can handle it. He is surely big enough to do so. What He doesn’t like is when we run away from Him.

    It is good you are back in Church. Fellowshipping with other God’s children always helps. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  4. secretangel Says:

    Jessie, it’s OK to tell God that you are mad at Him because He knows it anyway. He sees every wound to your heart and soul and knows what caused them. Somehow, telling Him that you are mad verbally releases some of the hurt and anger to let you move forward. You are a survivor… an overcomer. Whatever is going on in your life will come to pass. Remember, all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes… and you, my sister, are called! I will email you as planned tonight.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      I’ve bee kind of surprised at how much support I’ve received specifically for verbalizing that I’m angry at God this week (even in church.) I didn’t even realize that I was again, but you’re right, it’s what helps us move forward. Our relationship with God is like any other relationship we have in that sense, so if we don’t learn to express our emotions, they just get bottled up inside until they explode or come out sideways. Unexpressed or pent up feelings create division, separation and can eventually destroy a relationship. The big difference with God though, that I seem to have forgotten as well, is we don’t need to worry about whether or not He’ll reject us or quit loving us if we do tell Him how we’re really feeling. I learned from a young age to hide my real feelings in order to be loved or accepted, so naturally although, unknowingly, that’s what I’ve done with God too. As if my voicing anything negative would make Him stop loving me or that He might cast some sort of punishment on me. That’s just not true. It may be true in our secular relationships, so it’s a risk we take, but God promises not to do that, so we need not fear His response. Hugs and blessings sis! Talk to you soon :)

      Reply

  5. Karen Van Benschoten Says:

    Hmm… thank you! I need to get this ass back in church, too!

    Reply

  6. sueannporter1 Says:

    Your honesty is welcome in the “church world.” I believe God can handle us being mad at Him, He’s a big God !!!

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      That’s what pastor said too… I couldn’t believe the “relief” I felt when she told me it was OK to be mad at God. Of course I’ve known that in my head, but not so much in my heart and soul. I’ve gone through this before years ago, but somehow thought I couldn’t ever be as mad at Him again – like I couldn’t possibly feel hate, anger, blame, or anything so negative towards Him again – for some reason… But He’s the holy and perfect one, not me. It’s like any other relationship in that sense, and we’re only human with forever changing feelings therefore, we’re still going to have our ups and downs with God. The big difference is… God’s still going to be there for us through it all – patiently waiting, still loving, all accepting – He’s not going to ever leave us or take away His love just because we get upset with Him, so we need not fear and it’s OK.

      Reply

  7. kindredspirit23 Says:

    You need what you need. I know I don’t need to be in church, but your post did allow me to review and make certain I am where I really choose to be.
    Thanks,
    Scott

    Reply

  8. Anthony Baker Says:

    I’m sitting here LOL’ing over all the profanity in this obviously spiritual piece :-) I could never get away with it, but it’s sorta refreshing to read such brutal, yet beautiful transparency.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      Thank you Anthony :) While it seems to work for several reasons, there is a time and place. Like… I would never walk into a courtroom, or a church and let one rip while preaching, lol! Although, in the privacy of a counseling session with a pastor it did come out in pure agony. I’m also much more refined if in a nursing home or during hospital visits as well. For business conferences or meetings it depends. But, when counseling troubled teens or criminals in a facility, I don’t have a chance in hell of getting their attention or earning their trust enough so they’ll be open to hearing my story, unless I find some small ways in which to relate to them on their level right from the start. I’m sure God rather plug His ears during those moments, but I don’t believe it’s a ‘sin’ or that I’m going to hell for such a thing (we’re not to become like the world in those ways.) And I certainly don’t mean or intend to offend anyone either, so moderation is very important. Nor, am I saying all preachers or leaders should cuss. But I’m also tired, and hurt, and ache for the many desperate and lost souls who are turned away because of the ‘perfect’ persona that many religious leaders and congregations can have… I know, because I was one of those who felt pushed or turned away for those very same reasons. It makes the whole salvation thing seem completely unattainable and unrealistic, which only leads to more hopelessness.

      That is not what we were sent here to do or portray. And I won’t even get into the hypocrisy part, because regardless of beliefs, everyone knows that everyone else messes up no matter what just because we’re human, so if we try to hide that too much, the world knows we’re full of it – we’re not being transparent or honest enough. Why should they bare their souls if we don’t? I truly believe and have seen, when we find ways to meet people where they’re at, then in time, the love and teaching which takes place will naturally aide changes in their own thoughts, behaviors and actions… It is Jesus’ job to refine them, not mine. My only job is to love them and yes, to be an example, but not of perfectionism. Instead, one of realism… of being human… of being lost and broken… of being healed and restored. That is what’s attainable… that is what gives hope.

      “And there I go again, lol! It’s good to be on a roll again though!” ;)

      Reply

  9. LightWriters Says:

    We’ve all been in these situations…where it’s tough to be in a place — hurts, heartaches, misunderstandings, judgement, even persecution…yet our awesome Jesus forever seeks to bring His family into MORE of Him, and we need each other more than ever….and to love, forgive as we’ve been forgiven and to take care of each other — be blessed in ALL your ways, Jessie! :) You SHINE! :D

    Reply

  10. Susan Irene Fox Says:

    Glad to hear you’re up and walking, Jessie. Soon you’ll be soaring again. ;-)

    Reply

  11. Don Massenzio Says:

    Very inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  12. nightshade130 Says:

    Praise God. You know the true church is know by its love. I’m happy to know that there were some people out their to extend it to you. Stay strong Jessie.
    Sherline

    Reply

  13. Patrick Says:

    Church is a good place to be. I stayed with my former church until it became apparent I was not going to be able to worship and fellowship without judgement from the gossips spreading the lies told about me. I have returned to the Catholic church in which I grew up. This has given me a fresh start away from the false information that has been circulating. I know with time the truth will reveal itself and the lies proven to be false. I’m happy to hear you were welcomed and given an opportunity to speak with someone about how you are feeling on a spiritual level. Hopefully this will be the start of spiritual healing.

    Reply

    • Jessie Jeanine Says:

      It’s tough once things start happening like that or if anyone has ever experienced actually being shunned by their congregation. It’s judgement like that which keeps people out of churches and can even cost a person their salvation. I didn’t even realize I had more spiritual healing to deal with, lol!

      Reply

  14. tonyasmithauthor Says:

    Praying for you dear Jessie. Yes he does have great plans for you to give you a hope and a very bright future. He never gives up on you…. never ever… never … never…. never…Love you..

    Reply

  15. Gina Says:

    Praying for you! Thanks for sharing this :)

    Reply

  16. George Says:

    Praying for you Jessie! He’s the Great I Am! If you ever need to chat, contact me. Be at peace Sister!

    Reply

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